The Red Right Hand   www.theredrighthand.co.uk

Top 10 Nasal Adornments Suggested (and penned) by: Richard Sheppard [http://movietalk.podomatic.com] I don't think Mr. Sheppard fully understood the purpose of the list submission process. Rather than coming up with a subject for a list, he has gone the whole-hog and produced a list and fully explains his reasoning. He has also asked me to whore his wares; you can find further ramblings and opinionated thoughts at his site. 10. John Wilmot, the Earl of Rochester The Libertine [2004] Portrayed By: Johnny Depp Dying of syphilis, wraddled from a lifetime of carousing and drunkenness... but enough about me. Johnny Depp essayed the role of Lord Rochester for The Libertine, three-quarters of the way through which his nose rots due to the combined efforts of numerous STDs. A weird silver-looking device is employed for the redemptive final scenes. 9. Vriginia Woolf The Hours [2002] Portrayed by: Nicole Kidman Looking more like Barbra Streisand than Virginia Woolf, Nicole Kidman slaps on a false nose and looks into the middle distance in this distractingly stilted portmanteau film. A timely reminder to all actresses that it's not about how much you emote, or how much you convey in your performance, it's about how much putty you can glue to your weird, inexpressive, robot face. 8. Harry Angel Angel Heart [1987] Portrayed by: Mickey Rourke Midway through Alan Parker's exemplary modern noir, Mickey Rourke's private dick, Harry Angel, is given a free nose shield to clip onto his vintage specs. Rather than discard it, Rourke wears the bizarre piece of plastic throughout the majority of the narrative and single-handedly invents geek-chic. Perhaps a larger, more reinforced nose guard would have saved Rourke's face from eventually looking like a pound of corned beef swaddled in clingfilm. 7. J.J. Gittes Chinatown [1974] Portrayed by: Jack Nicholson Another great performance in a noir film, another strange looking bit of nose furniture. Jack Nicholson's Jake Gittes gets his nose slit open by creepy cameo artist Roman Polanski whilst investigating what the devil happened to L.A.'s water. The result? He spends the rest of the film smacking bad guys and slapping Faye Dunaway with a bandage over his schnozz. 6. Cyrano de Bergerac Cyrano De Bergerac [1990] Portrayed by: Gerard Depardieu Proof positive that the French have a deeply disturbed national psyche, their version of Robin Hood or Don Quixote is a quipping, fencing, wine-guzzling porker with a nose that would put Concorde to shame. If you ever have the misfortune to see Depardieu without the Cyrano nose, you'll know his face is still a Picasso-esque nightmare of misplaced flesh. 5. Kid Shelleen / Tim Strawn Cat Ballou [1965] Portrayed by: Lee Marvin The coolest white man in history, Lee Marvin, is easily able to overcome any potential embarrassment in wearing a shiny silver nose for this comedy Western. So unconcerned is Jim Jarmusch look-a-like Marvin, his character is referred to constantly throughout as 'Silvernose', which might seem a little like calling Christoper Reeve, 'Wheelchair', but works in this context. 4. Captain Hank Quinlan Touch Of Evil [1958] Portrayed by: Orson Welles Lardy genius Welles never wanted to make Touch of Evil, but contractual obligations and the need for ready money changed his mind. In disdain at being (The Lady From) Shanghaied into the project, Welles stuck a bulbous great lump clay in the middle of his face and pretends throughout the entire film that it's a real life human nose. Genius. 3. Child Catcher Chitty Chitty Bang Bang [1968] Portrayed by: Robert Helpmann Perennial nightmare fodder, the Child Catcher was the highpoint of the otherwise vacuous Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Looking like he had escaped from a Tim Burton sketchbook via a Bavarian woodcut, this freak was able to sniff out children using his artificially lengthened, vaguely phallic, hood ornament. This is not a scientifically accurate way of finding hiding children, as refuted by no-nosed fiddle virtuoso, Michael Jackson. 2. Fagin Oliver Twist [1948] Portrayed by: Alec Guinness Alec Guinness knew the score. Asked to play the Indian Dr Godbole in A Passage to India, he dug out the gravy browning and gave himself an ethnic skin tone that couldn't be matched... well, except by an actual Indian actor, obviously. Asked to play Jewish, child-friendly, gang boss Fagin in Oliver Twist, he reviewed the situations for months before deciding to just stick a great big Jewish-caricatured hook nose on his fizzog. 1. Penelope Wilhern Penelope [2006] Portrayed by: Christina Ricci Pig-snouted Christina Ricci had to blunder through this film repelling suitors and the point-and-stare crowd before finding true love, little suspecting that actors like Kevin Bacon, Keifer Sutherland and Eddie Marsan have been snouted for ages and able to carry on successful film careers. Either way, the image of Ricci with a snout is profoundly arousing, and therefore makes it to the top of the list. Brava!