THE RED RIGHT HAND PODCAST

[1 February 2009]
PODCAST Episode VII

Here Endeth The Lesson

Introduction
Good afternoon, kids and welcome to the podcast that is slowly gaining a reputation for its foul language, cutting movie discussions and random audio samples! Yep, six months down and still going strong, those that suggested this whole podcast lark to me recently said I should try video podcasting - wipe your brows, people, I declined. My worldwide listenership seems to have grown exponentially as I now have subscribers in Japan, South Africa, Canada, America and all over Europe. In light of this, I will offer a multicultural hello. Erm... Guten tag, Kinder! Beunas tardes, los ninos! I don't know French. Il buono pomeriggio! Goede namiddag, kinderen! Dobre den, dety! Er... Goeie middag! Masaa al-khayr! Oshimai nasai mashi! Wu an! and erm... running out of languages I know here, er... Dia dhuit! *sigh* Also, thanks to the ever-infuriating Facebook, people I knew years and years ago have subscribed and seem to greatly enjoy both my site and the podcast. So, hello to all of you. Right, movie stuff! On informing an individual that Twilight was an over-hyped sappy teenage mess I had a qualification thrown at me. That's right, Laura Kemp decided to openly call out I know what I'm talking about, I've got an A-Level in Media Studies. An A-Level!? You don't say! Well, I should pack up and clear out, clearly I'm in the wrong industry. Should have got that all-important piece of paper in Media bloody Studies. Since when does any form of qualification beat reasoning, logic and evidence of circumstance? Yeah, write in if you can think of one... other than being a doctor. Last month's epic hour-long special went down extraordinarily well so my thanks for that. Fellow critic, Mr. Richard Hawes wrote in to inform me he greatly enjoyed the episode but felt the middle section went on too long (which is a fair enough comment) and looks forward to my next episode. Another Richard, Sheppard this time, knew the lady I called at HMV. He didn't take kindly to me pretending to be a radio personality. Ah well. Joanne wrote in to enquire about the quote 'sexy accents' so thank you to my friends for providing their... er... whatever. And Mary wants to know what I'm wearing. Initially I thought this was my Mother writing in to make sure I was wrapping up properly but this lady lives in America. Let's see, I'm currently wearing a white rugby top with a green Hitcher t-shirt, jeans, socks and boots; happy? Finally, WhiteStud71 emailed me to ask me why I have yet to talk about G.I. Joe: Rise Of Cobra. Well, Stud-person I never really got G.I. Joe and as such, don't really care and now that the teaser posters have been released, the whole thing looks a little shaky so far. It's possible it may turn out to be fairly entertaining but I highly doubt it. I don't believe in shouts outs so I will make mention of Georgie and Glen, who I shared a drink with in the pub, earlier. Oh and Alice, because apparently Alice listens to the podcast too. Finally, 22nd January the Oscar nominees list went public and everyone's been scrambling over that. If you click the Stoghz Annual Awards link on my website you will see the nominations for my own highly prestigious, thoroughly un-televised Awards which I will be distributing mid-February and discussing at greater length next month. Anyway, I've got another fairly lengthy episode lined up and as the award season is in full swing, a lot of dramas to cover.

*I think fast, I talk fast and I need you guys to act fast if you want to get out of this. So pretty please, with sugar on top, clean the fucking car*

Review Of January 2008
Twenty one new UK releases this January.

Beverly Hill Chihuahua
Family Adventure
Dir. Raja Gosnell

Bride Wars
Comedy
Dir. Gary Winick

Che: Part I - The Argentine
Drama
Dir. Stephen Soderbergh

Defiance
War Drama
Dir. Edward Zwick

Frost/Nixon
Drama
Dir. Ron Howard

JCVD
Comedic Drama
Dir. Mabrouk El Mechri

Milk
Drama
Dir. Gus Van Sant

My Bloody Valentine 3D
Horror
Dir. Patrick Lussier

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist
Comedic Drama
Dir. Peter Sollett

Rachel Getting Married
Drama
Dir. Jonathan Demme

The Reader
Drama
Dir. Stephen Daldry

Revolutionary Road
Drama
Dir. Sam Mendes

Role Models
Comedy
Dir. David Wain

Seven Pounds
Drama
Dir. Gabriele Muccino

Sex Drive
Comedy
Dir. Sean Anders

The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants 2
Teen Rom-Com Drama
Dir. Sanaa Hamri

Slumdog Millionaire
Drama
Dir. Danny Boyle

The Spirit
Action Comedy
Dir. Frank Miller

Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans
Gothic Action
Dir. Patrick Tatopoulos

Valkyrie
Drama
Dir. Bryan Singer

The Wrestler
Drama
Dir. Darren Aronofsky

*The two cardinal rules of being a broadway producer are 1. Never put your own money in the show.*
*And 2?*
*NEVER PUT YOUR OWN MONEY IN THE SHOW! Get it?*
*Got it.*
*Good.*

New Reviews & Feedback
[03-01-09] Defiance
"Not nearly as grand as other holocaust releases but as a wartime survival film, Defiance delivers"
7/10
I openly said in my review that I wasn't going to address the 'was it/wasn't it true' argument and despite this I received a few damning emails. So I will focus heavily on one before moving on. This is from Stanislaw from Poland, It's not a true story at all. In Bielski's squad there were also women and kids, there purpose was to survive not the planning the actions against Nazis. Tuvia Bielski was more like a thug, not a hero. Before the war he was in conflict with law all the time - but it's true that he saved about 900 people. Bielski squad with the Soviet soldiers killed almost the whole village of Nalibok just because they were Polish. Few things that take place in the movie never even happened, Tuvja's squad was killing and stealing everything they could from settlements in range of 100km from their camp, that was their way to survive. Also Tuvja was a rapist and that's proved. So your hero is only a murderer for people from Poland and Belarus. Enjoy another Jew movie. Alright, the tones of this email hinge on an element of history that I don't know if they were true or not, so I have to be careful how to respond. First of all, as always I reviewed the film, not the event or the men. Secondly, I stated that I have not studied the Bielski's activities during or after the war and as such cannot confirm or deny your claims. However, your final statement has pretty much written off everything you've said as you've openly called a stance against films about Jews. Now, you may be right, this film may inaccurately portray the real men or their actions but the attitude of your closing statement has ruled that null and void. That was the response I sent to our Polish friend and he spouted a tonne of shite back about me being a Jew lover and all sorts of obscenities that I don't care to repeat. Once again, a valid point about historical inaccuracies is quickly swept away because of prejudices and bigotry.

[04-01-09] Frost/Nixon
"Spectacular adaptation of the acclaimed stage production and inadvertently, one of the most relevant politically comparative pieces of the year"
9/10
No opinions changed here. Surprisingly though, a lot of really retarded emails. This is from George: Why is it called Frost/Nixon and not Nixon/Frost?. Ok, although the show originally hit the stage in the US as Nixon/Frost the title is Frost/Nixon, always has been, you people just like to think you should come first... it's not like there's such a thing as alphabetical order. Mo wrote in to complain: I can't believe you support this crap! Nixon wasn't some sentimental, twinkling old guy, he was a crook and what he did to the American people was unforgivable. You may like to know that Mo here lives in Canada. Interesting that. The reset warbles on about the realism and so on but a lot of those questions can be answered in the Q&A coming later in this podcast, so keep listening.

[05-01-09] Bride Wars
"Another unproductive, unnecessary, bitchy bridal film devoid of humour and worth"
3/10
Kayleen wrote in to say In your review you put Kate Hudson reminded me of that girl in Almost Famous. Kate Hudson starred in Almost Famous; some critic. How stupid are you!? Hehehe, that was the point of the joke, dick. Little feedback for this one, everyone agreed that it was tripe except for Grace who said Ok, so it may not be Oscar worthy Erghh, you know how much I hate that defence, but anytime you get two megastars together you are going to have box office gold. NO! WRONG! I'm sorry, got to cut that in there. Just because you have big names does not guarantee you'll have a good film; in fact, relying on that thought will guarantee a flop. Anyone can enjoy a good light hearted chick flick. I personally miss the How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days kinds of movies; they're what make us feel happy. The reason you miss them is because they're slowly dying, you know why they're slowly dying? Because they're shite and don't make any money. With everything going on in the world why shouldn't we have a film like this? Because it's a waste of valuable money and resources? I loved it and so did all my friends. I personally love the tanning part, I laughed out loud so many times. I think you're wrong on this one, general audiences are going to love Bride Wars! I very much doubt that.

[12-01-09] Milk
"Each minority group needs their hero piece but despite the stellar performances this one feels like a bit of a let down"
7/10
Tonnes of positive feedback and support for my review of this one. A lot of readers are eagerly awaiting my discussion later on in this very episode but I would like to quickly highlight two emails. The first is from Fedor and seems to be one of the only negative comments, You talk so much shit! Like you're better than us! This movie was fucking boring and fucking gaaaaay! It made Brokeback Mountain seem like a porno. Ok, very quickly, I've gone over this one and I think he means straight porn. You know, something that was heralded as very gay now only seems mildly gay in comparison to this... at least, I think that's what he's getting at. Waste of my Goddamned time. Mikey G also wrote to me saying, Look, I'm queer I don't know many gay people who call themselves queer but whatever and I'm liberal and all that and it's a subject close to me but Milk's speeches and his rallies made me feel nothing. I also completely disagree with your comments about the film's direction. With each march and protest a still-camera looks head-on at the faces of the few stars as they march forward. Why? If we're supposed to be immersed in the riot why not throw the camera into the action, shakily following behind the marchers? My opinion is that the reason the camera isn't in the crowd is because you're not in the crowd. It's an intentional focusing on the march towards you and because the shot is so tight you are forced to confront it - which is what those marches were about, awareness.

[13-01-09] Valkyrie
"A very well executed telling of the 20th July plotters and the consequences of their actions; Der Untergang is still a far superior release"
8/10
I have a lot of comments to read out here. Each and every one is moronic and I intend to address this with as little effort as possible. Ready? Ren writes, It was so weird to see a bunch of British actors trying to be German. The subtle British accents were out of place which took away from the movie. And the German's uniforms didn't even have the swastika which makes them just look less like Nazis and more like English soldiers. Yes and they should have spoken with American accents and kept a Jew in the cupboard to spit on at all available moments with a HUGE swastika in the background, all the while singing Deutschland, Deutschland, Uber alles! Numbskull. ReebokGoalie writes, Cruise was awful! Where was the German accent? He didn't act German enough for me. Yeah, repeat my previous point. Andrew Gurma writes, Suspense, none. Action, less that none. Imagination, yuck. Excitement, boring. It's just a shitty story about a bunch of clowns who think they can take over a country in the middle of a war. It would have been so much better if each major character had a scene which shows why they would consider doing something like this. I would have thought that was bloody obvious. There's no individual scene because they share the same drive; they're a group of military and political minds who are disgusted by what their country has become and how many lives are being wasted at the whim of a madman. Fool! Finally, Joe asked, Do you like, love Hitler or something? I assume he's referring to my rant at the end of the review but at no point did I exonerate the thoughts or actions of Adolf Hitler; moron. I know I received many emails agreeing with my thoughts but sometimes idiots speak the loudest and need to be put in their place. As such I would like to thank Vernon, Kaitlin Costello, Kostya, and Malissa for their kind and poignant words.

[20-01-09] Nick And Norah's Infinite Playlist
"Proof that smart, fun teen comedies are still being made"
7/10
My opinions remain the same here. Mr. Wickham, who was mentioned in the review, text me to correct one element. I told a story about a lady passing us and how her arse was in his face? Well, apparently it was her crotch... but that sounds a little rude so I'm going to leave it as it is. Mr. Wickham also added that this film was a crock of shit but did understand my points about the unrealism of romantic comedies and so on. I only received a few other emails here. One from Tatum saying, Nice one! Nick And Norah rocks! Brief. And Danielle agreed adding, You're usually so cynical when it comes to films like this so I just thought I'd write to congratulate you for overcoming this and rating it highly! I don't think I've overcome anything, I just thought the film was pretty good but erm... thanks.

*Why is the rum gone?*
*1. because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable man into complete scoundrels 2. that signal is over one thousand feet high, the entire Royal Navy is out looking for me. Do you really think that there is even the slightest chance that they won't see it?*
*But why is the rum gone?*

Ratings
What with the writer's strike, the start of the awards season and a very slow Christmas, there were simply too many releases this month for me to see all of them. Which is annoying. Films I desperately wanted to see such as Revolutionary Road, The Reader and The Wrestler had to be postponed so I could screen things like the Renee Zellweger comedy New In Town which was just a tired re-hash of Northern Exposure and My Bloody Valentine in 3D, which was just... well, awful. Arghh, the pick-axe is coming out of the screen! Oh wait.. no it's not. If you're going to sell a movie on the 3D antics, at least try to make them good. Bloody Fly Me To The Moon all over again. There was also The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants 2, which was fairly entertaining but not nearly as rewarding as it's predecessor.

*Objection, your honour, it would unfairly influence the jury.*
*Your honour, if Andrew was forced to use a wheelchair due to his illness, would the defence ask him to park it outside because it would unfairly influence the jury? Come on, we're talking about AIDS, we're talking about lesions, let's see what we're talking about.*

Best & Worst Releases Of The Month
2. Bride Wars
1. My Bloody Valentine: 3D

2. The Wrestler
1. Slumdog Millionaire

*You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! God damn you all to hell!*

Special Feature
*Interview with Katie Moffat regarding Milk*

*Well it just so happens that your friend here is mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead; please open his mouth*

*Q&A with Peter Morgan and Michael Sheen about Frost/Nixon*

*The soul of beings is there scent; you said that, master*
*Did I?*
*I will make you as many perfumes as you want but you have to teach me how to capture the smell of all things; can you do that?*

Coming Soon
Well, it's finally been decided, Warner Brothers are officially paying off Fox to ensure the unhindered release of Watchmen. My contact at Fox is a lady named Meera Kohli. Lovely, charming young woman who I have the utmost joy in talking to whenever a Fox screening is arranged. However, I asked her to forward a message to her superiors and as she heavily protested in an attempt to protect me [*aww*] they may not get it... so I'm broadcasting it now. *ahem* YOU GREEDY FUCKING BASTARDS! You clearly have no concept of the words artistic integrity and for the way your company has run itself into the ground over the past ten years, you should hang your head with shame before hanging the fat-cats you employ who make all these ludicrous decisions. Bite my cock. My apologies if that offended anyone but it's an issue close to my heart - and as such, warranted that verbal outburst. On the plus side... Watchmen! We're getting a Watchmen release! Whoo! Now, all we can do is hope it was worth all the fuss. I know most wouldn't peg me as a Fast & The Furious fan but I must admit, I did enjoy the first one. The sequels that followed, absolute shite but the original wasn't too bad at all. So now they're releasing Fast & Furious with the original cast, I'm quietly interested - it's due out 10th April, which is the same release date as Dragonball Evolution and Race To Witch Mountain; like they'll be any good. Then there was the first poster released for this year's Transformers sequel entitled Revenge Of The Fallen. I must admit, for a June release, I'm extremely surprised by the lack of trailers and general promotional material for this one. Finally, I'm also looking forward to Tarantino's World War II piece, Inglorious Basterds, Jennifer Connelly / Paul Bettany collaboration Creation about Charles Darwin, the live-action adaptation of the awesome Cowboy Bebop, starring Keanu Reeves and the dark, twisted animated release from Timur Bekmambetov, 9.

*What's a misanthrope, Arthur?*
*Some bugger who fucking hates every other bugger*

What I Watched Today
Bit of an odd mix today. I started off by watching The Blues Brothers *How much for the women? Your women, I want to buy your women. The little girl, your children; sell them to me!* Exceptional comedy, too bad about that piss-poor sequel. Anyways, I followed that with a bit of mind warping, courtesy of Fear & Loathing In Las Vegas *There he goes, one of God's own prototypes. Too weird to live, too rare to die.* I like to show that film to Johnny Depp fans... kinda freaks them out. And finally I also managed to watch The Usual Suspects *Mr. Soze rarely works with the same people very long and they never know who they are working for. One cannot be betrayed if one has no people.* Don't need a reason, just wanted to. Probably just so I could shout KEYSER SOZE! Adam! Adam!? Adam have you seen this yet? No, of course you haven't. You disgust me, sir! Go watch it now, Keyser Soze! *Keyser Soze!* You'll be shouting that all week. Oh, and Frisky Dingo *Hey, watch it!* *Woman, I have a pipe in my lung! I hope your baby's born dead!* Largely to get that sample on the podcast and openly bemoan the closing of 70/30 Productions and the subsequent cancelling of The Xtacles.

*From this moment, any man without leggings, without a helmet, without a tie; any man with unshined shoes or soiled uniform... is going to be skinned*

Outro
In an attempt to dethrone CherryBrooke56, Hot_Venus03 has correctly identified all the audio samples used way back in episode two. Well done to you and as always, a prize is on its way to you - don't tell people what it is. Paul and Katie think it's a pic of my whang and balls... *Er... Howard, could you send me a signed picture of your cock and balls?* maybe it is... maybe it isn't. It isn't. Or is it? No, it's not. Anyways, whatever it is, only two people have had the privilege of winning it. I might add, they're both ladies. No problem with that, just thought I would praise the persistence of the female mind. Oh, and a little footnote here, bit of an ongoing spat. I say spat, it started off as me producing a soundclip of the Richard & Steve Podcast, which can be found at movietalk.podomatic.com, but has degenerated into some bickering pod-war. This was announced on their previous show *Richard & Steve Sample* Don't know what to think of this yet but we shall see and if anything does arise, I'll be sure to let you all know. Oh and as a final sort of, in joke, Richard, Steve. I am Pat Garrett, know who he is? He's the dude who shot Billy The Kid. Peckinpah made a film about it. There we go. With that said, all that remains is for me to close this month's podcast, thank all of you for listening and ask that you continue to stay loyal to the site. Do tune in next month for more cinematic dronings and my opinions on this year's Academy Awards. Happy viewing, kids.

If you have any comments about my site theredrighthand.co.uk or this podcast, please feel free to email me at theredrighthandatyourservice@yahoo.co.uk
This month's podcast was brought to you by the letter P



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