THE RED RIGHT HAND PODCAST

[3 January 2009]
PODCAST Episode VI

Leave The Gun, Take The Cannoli

Introduction
Good afternoon, kids and a happy new year to you all. As most of you are aware, this is the time of year for list-making. Lists of changes, lists of plans, lists of triumphs and flaws; and just like yourselves, I have penned my annual list. If you have no idea what I'm talking about, logon to my site and on the left-hand menu there should be a link labelled Best/Worst. Within you will find a run down of the cream and crap released in the UK over the various years. However, I will go into that at greater length a little later on. My list of top 5 Christmas films sparked a bit of an online debate, with people adding their own additions; Richard stated that Black Christmas, Trading Places and Eyes Wide Shut should have been included whereas ToffeeGrl said that Die Hard has no place on a Christmas list - well... fie on you, madam. I also received some emailed feedback about the contents of my Special Interest pieces. Having answered the call of the people and asking Daniel Wickham back into the studio, I am now been asked why others do not make appearances. I only have a few friends. I know, I know, I have a core group of loyal friends that live close-by and of that group, only a few of them see movies regularly enough to discuss on the podcast. Then there's the issue of trying to organise people to come into the studio to interview them but that's another matter entirely. I have also been told that I need to get multiple mics, so that the interviews feel more like interviews and less like talking heads. Your criticisms have all been duly noted (bastards) and action has been taken to remedy this. Yes! I have procured a device that will allow me to interview multiple people wherever/whenever, so I hope a whole array of vocal talent will be gracing my audio supplement - although I missed an opportunity to interview two fellow (and somewhat shorter) podcast broadcasters on the 22nd, but no matter… they would just have accused me of plagiarism or something. I have a few emails to quickly read-out and address *ahem* Stephen asks: How do you get to see films earlier than everyone else? Because I'm better than you. Adrian wants to know if I write for any other sources; I do, mostly NEO Magazine but I have lots of arguments with the editors over the definition of the word 'editor'. Liz wants to know why I have to swear in my reviews; because if British broadsheets can get away with it now, so can I. Yassif wants to know how my holiday in Cuba was; awesome, thank you. Barry has asked, What's with that tiny little beard? Get fucked, Barry. Julie wants to know why some of the reviews are posted late; to address this, sometimes I don't find the time in my busy schedule to pen the reviews in time (Warner Bros. have told me off about this before) but mostly it's just your web-browsers. Try hitting F5 if you're using a PC... or whatever it is you Mac & Lynux people do. Debs wrote in to say I listened to your pods, you're funny and easy to listen to. Thank you very much. And Justine asks Why do you only receive positive emails, does no one disagree with your opinions? Clearly you haven't been listening to the podcast closely enough; almost everybody who writes in, does so to tell me I'm wrong. The internet has given a great many a voice they do not deserve.. er.. I mean.. I don't fall into that category but lots of other people do. Anyway, on to the reviews! Many of the films I've reviewed this month aren't released until January and as such feedback has been minimal; except from Americans. But this is going to be an especially long episode, possibly the longest ever recorded by yours truly, so, let's press on.

*You sit down, you old son of a bitch! This is my house, this is my child and you are my guest! Now sit the hell down before I knock your ignorant ass into next week!*

Review Of December 2008
Fourteen new UK releases this December.

Australia
Drama
Dir. Baz Luhrmann

Bedtime Stories
Family Comedy
Dir. Adam Shankman

The Day The Earth Stood Still
Sci-Fi Thriller
Dir. Scott Derrickson

Dean Spanley
Comedic Drama
Dir. Toa Fraser

Far North
Romantic Drama
Dir. Asif Kapadia

Inkheart
Family Adventure
Dir. Iain Softley

Lakeview Terrace
Drama Thriller
Dir. Neil LaBute

Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa
Animated Family
Dir. Eric Darnell & Tom McGrath

The Secret Life Of Bees
Adventure Drama
Dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood

The Tale Of Despereaux
Animated Family
Dir. Sam Fell & Robert Stevenhagen

Trade
Drama
Dir. Marco Kreuzpaintner

Transporter 3
Action
Dir. Olivier Megaton

Twilight
Gothic Romance
Dir. Catherine Hardwicke

Yes Man
Comedy
Dir. Peyron Reed

*But what if no one goes for the blonde. We don't get in each other's way and we don't insult the other girls. It's the only way we win*

New Reviews & Feedback
[08-12-08] The Day The Earth Stood Still
"A very disappointing reimagining, largely thanks to the final act; bit of a non-event really"
6/10
Scott Derrickson is the man lined-up to direct Paradise Lost; I don't think I've ever stressed the significance and importance that book holds with me (on a very personal level). I know that may sound like a side-track but it could easily be considered un-filmable and yet if the slightest thing is wrong or amiss I will rip into it. And although Derrickson has proven himself with The Exorcism Of Emily Rose but now this? I'm just unsure.

[09-12-08] Sex Drive
"John Hughes-esque Geek chic meets American Pie gross-out humour making for a surprisingly effective teen comedy"
6/10
This film won't be released in the UK until January 2009 so nothing from British readers but I did receive one email from Eric: I went to see this movie at my local theater with my two children and we all hated this movie beyond. He doesn't say beyond belief, just beyond. My kids wanted to leave the theater twenty five minutes into the movie; it was that bad. This has to be one of the stupidest movies of all time. There were no funny moments or laughs throughout the entire theater, just a monkey and his sidekick. I'm not overly sure what that means. No in the theater seemed as if they enjoyed the film at all, it's just a bunch of rubbish smeared together. Your review is wrong. Very little to say to that except why in the fuck did you bring two children to see this film? It's impossible to get under-aged children into a fifteen or eighteen rated film over here but in America it's fine as long as you have an adult with you - this is a prime example of why that is a moronic concept.

[14-12-08] Slumdog Millionaire
"Quite simply, one of the most profoundly beautiful and moving pieces I have ever had the pleasure of reviewing"
10/10
I desperately wanted to put this on my best of 2008 page but as it isn't released into UK cinemas until mid-January, I technically couldn't count it. Which is annoying because this film is so stunningly impressive. I've had little feedback from my review, again because of the release date, but I am expecting this film to do extremely well.

[23-12-08] The Spirit
"As an homage to camp, cheesy comics of the forties, The Spirit does a relatively good job... but in all honesty, who the hell would want to see that?"
5/10
I received quite a few emails accusing me of sitting on the fence too much. Andy Jones wrote in to say I'm surprised everyone hated this film so much! I know you didn't but I thought it was really really good. I thought the style was impressive and found it over the top and funny in many parts. By stark contrast, Alice said, This was one of the worst films of the year, without question. Here's why: the style is getting boring, there was way too much product placement, every character was a comic relief, the acting was horrible and it was rated a PG-13 when it should have been an R! You didn't take sides in your review and that was probably worse than saying you liked it! You're doing exactly what you accused Spielberg of doing with Munich. That one actually stunned me. I've never really had someone write in and reference a review I wrote two years prior. She has a point but I feel justified in what I've said. Finally I received this really moronic email from Marty - I apologise in advance for the level of stupidity of what is to follow, You take films too seriously! Eva Mendes and her ass alone were reason enough to see this film. And Scarlett Johansson's cleavage. And how can you not like Eva Mendes? She's so fucking hot! I would fuck her right now if I could! You're either single, gay, have low self esteem, had bad experiences with women or don't know the meaning of attractive! Her bare ass came on screen and I shouted to my dog, I would totally tap that and he agreed with me! He knew I would. Bitch had better watch her back. Christ... reading this is making me ill. Anyway! Your review is so fucking stupid! The only time you mentioned the girls was in your character bit and you only said bad shit! What the hell, man!? You didn't say how fine they all were! How the fuck did you get to be a critic anyways!? Yeah, I tried to prepare you all for that one. What a dick.

[29-12-08] Che: Part I - The Argentine
"Poignant and evocative bio-drama, with an exceptional lead performance"
8/10
Erm... no feedback for this one, as yet. It's not released in the UK yet and I don't think many Americans have actually seen it. Still, my opinions remain the same, I still think it's a very worthwhile piece and I'm eagerly awaiting the second part, released sometime this March.


*I love you*
*Oh, say it in French, please say it in French*
*I don't know French*
*Oh please*
*What about Hebrew?*

Ratings
I just want to quickly address four films I didn't get time to fully review. In release order we have Madagascar 2: Escape 2 Africa; now, I didn't especially like the first Madagascar, I thought the writers ran out of ideas once the animals made their way to the island but it wasn't terrible. Surprisingly enough, this sequel was a vast improvement. Then there was Lakeview Terrace the racially inspired tale of neighbours from hell that started off alright but panned out to be one of the most ludicrous stories. It would have been better if Samuel L. Jackson had put on a police uniform, waved a gun in the screen for an hour screaming, DON'T BE RACIST! MOTHERFUCKER THAT MEANS YOU! DON'T BE GODDAMN RACIST! On a lighter note there was the release of both Adam Sandler's predictably meh Bedtime Stories and the equally bleh Inkheart. Fairly average kids releases if you ask me. Nothing particularly awful but nothing greatly outstanding either.

*This is what happens, Larry. This is what happens, Larry, when you fuck a stranger in the ass!*

Best & Worst Releases Of The Month
2. Twilight
1. Transporter 3

2. Australia
1. Trade

*You wanna know the secret of Vietnam? Secret of Vietnam is simple, I loved it. Goddamned turkey shoot. I'm just being honest, I fucking well loved it, everyone else would have too if we'd had won*

Special Feature
*Brief interview with Paul Collis regarding Sex Drive*

*That's all I know, I swear to God* *Swear to me!*

*Breakdown of Best & Worst releases of 2008. Features many guest speakers*

*Lord Richard, this pistol is faulty. I must have another*
*Your pistol has fired and that counts as your shot*

Coming Soon
Quite a bit to cover here. First off, few people know I'm a big 1930's fan. I love the era, the clothes, the cars, the architecture, the art, the look, the feel; it's a time that I would desperately love to live in and an amazingly deep well to draw from - especially for film. So, I've finally had a slight peek at Michael Mann's new piece, Public Enemies, which tells the tale of John Dillinger and Agent Melvin Purvis - played by Johnny Depp and Christian Bale respectively; looks very intriguing indeed. Last month I mentioned The Proposition as one of my favourite Christmas movies. Director, John Hillcoat has finally got around to filming his next feature called The Road. Looks like an interesting post-apocalyptic piece starring Viggo Mortensen; no release date as yet. Another Viggo release for you all, simply titled Good, detailing the political workings of early Nazi Germany; also starring Jason Isaacs it looks pretty damned impressive. American audiences are starting to get Terminator Salvation trailers and it looks a little... empty, in my opinion. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big Terminator fan and I'm probably going to like it either way but it just seems lacking. Curiously, I'm also awaiting rom-com releases She's Just Not That In To You and The Ugly Truth - I really shouldn't be but they look like good escapist nonsense - unlike The Shopaholic which looks ridiculous. I used to work in a bookstore and I always hated Sophie Kinsella's books, girl goes shopping, racks up huge bill, then moans about it until other people pay her bill for her - yeah, great release to get you through a recession.

*Is your Father a ghost, or do you converse with the Almighty?*
*In order to find his equal an Irishman is forced to talk to God. Yes Father? The Almighty says don't change the subject, just answer the fucking question*

What I Watched Today
Inspired by a sense of patriotic duty I watched Neil Jordan's under-rated Michael Collins *To whom it may concern. Further persistance of occupational forces will be punishable by death. You have been warned. Signed, the Irish Republican Army* Then Roman Polanski's under-rated The Ninth Gate *Look, I came here to do business, not shoot the breeze. If you want to expound on your personal philosophies, write another book* *You don't like me* *I don't have to; you're a client and you pay well* The rather under-rated Dear Frankie *Frankie's a very lucky boy* *How did you figure that one out? I'm his mother and I lie to him every day* *No, you protective him every day* The under-rated horror, Phantoms *You're not listening to me. It only thinks it's all powerful. It's lived in the ground for millions of years where no one could get to it, nothing could touch it, that's its weakness* Can you see a pattern emerging here? And finally, the sort-of under-rated Jesus Camp *We speak over the systems, the power point presentations. We say, 'Devil, we know what you like to do at these meetings and you will not, in Jesus' name you will not stop this message going out. In Jesus' name, no microphone problems* Great documentary but it makes me so pissing angry.

*1.21 Gigawatts!?*

Outro
Frequent listeners of the show will no doubt remember that CherryBrooke56 managed to correctly guess all the samples used in Episode 3 and has managed to do so again for the Christmas special. So, once again, very well done to you and a terrible mystery prize is winging its way to you - just so you know, it's a variation of the same thing you received a few months ago. In last month's Outro section I closed by stating that I would be explaining why The Lion King is just a rehash of Hamlet. Since then I've received an email or two from people shocked and amazed by this revelation. Although I'm not actually going to explain why, you should just know that most films are just a remake of Hamlet. Well, time to sign off; I would like to thank all of you for listening and ask that you continue to stay loyal to the site. Do tune in next month for more cinematic dronings. Happy viewing, kids.

If you have any comments about my site theredrighthand.co.uk or this podcast, please feel free to email me at theredrighthandatyourservice@yahoo.co.uk
This month's podcast was brought to you by the letter B



If you have anything you would like to say to me with regards to my reviews, comments or the site in general please feel free to contact me and express your thoughts. I can't guarantee I will respond but that's because I'm lazy.