THE RED RIGHT HAND PODCAST

[29 November 2008]
PODCAST Episode V

Give A Wolf A Leg And He Will Take Your Arms Too

Introduction
Ho-ho-ho! Merry Chr...no, no I can't. I tried but I won't do it. Good afternoon, kids and welcome to my thoroughly politically incorrect Christmas special! I'm afraid this episode may also run a little short, namely for the fact that I spent half the month in Cuba, part of it in Cardiff and a large amount of screenings were cancelled to make room for more showings of Quantum Of Solace. It would appear my Halloween special has been extremely successful and those that wrote in, asking for Wickham to return seemed pleased with the interviews. I also received an email asking me to swear a little less as - for some inexplicable reason - one listener's kids like to listen to my podcast. I genuinely didn't know the age demographic of my listeners was so broad. Still, a request is a request and as this is my Christmas Special, I suppose I could make an effort. Erm... how do I censor words again? Oh, here it is. Fuck. *beep* No. Ars*beep* No. We*beep*sh people. Ah, there we go. Now I know how to do that I will make sure I never use that button. I'm afraid I have to say bollocks to your most gracious request; sometimes films make me so angry that I simply need to swear; sorry Mrs. Albright's kids. On a more stalker-y note, Claire sent me this email: I've seen you going into Spud-U-Like every day for the last week. Do you always eat there? Should I say hello? - Well, yes, actually. No doubt to the amusement of the staff working there, I purchase and consume large quantities of potato every single day - if I receive so much as one Irish joke you will regret it - but no, erm... I suppose you could come up and say hello or something. Maybe. If you do, I'll give you a card... or hit you, depending on what mood I'm in. I have noticed a lot of bastards in there. So! On Dasher, on Blitzen, on Comet and...er... Curries, on Flippy and... Skippy; on with the Christmas special! Ho ho ho!

*Merry Christmas, you filthy animal; and a Happy New Year*

Review Of November 2008
Fourteen new UK releases this November.

Blindness
Mystery Drama
Dir. Fernando Meirelles

Body Of Lies
Espionage Thriller
Dir. Ridley Scott

Changeling
Mystery Drama
Dir. Clint Eastwood

Choke
Comedy Drama
Dir. Clark Gregg

Easy Virtue
Romantic Comedy
Dir. Stephan Elliott

Four Christmases
Comedy
Dir. Seth Gordon

Hamlet 2
Comedy
Dir. Andrew Fleming

Max Payne
Crime Action
Dir. John Moore

Passengers
Horror Thriller
Dir. Rodrigo Garcia

Pride & Glory
Crime Thriller
Dir. Gavin O’Connor

W.
Political Drama
Dir. Oliver Stone

Waltz With Bashir
Animated Political Drama
Dir. Ari Folman

What Just Happened?
Comedy Drama
Dir. Barry Levinson

Zack And Miri Make A Porno
Comedy
Dir. Kevin Smith

*Now I have a machine gun. Ho! Ho! Ho!*

New Reviews & Feedback
[03-11-08] Pride And Glory
"Fairly formulaic cop-drama but the cast make it work"
6/10
As I reviewed November's releases before I went away to Cuba I arrived home to a veritable feast of emails - it's nice to feel loved - well, until you open them and they spout crap like this from Craig McPherson: If there's any value to be gleaned from your review it's that you clearly show you have no idea what films are about [PAUSE] That was a little harsh, don't you think? Especially considering he doesn't actually go on to talk about the movie, just waffles on about the injustice of me rating Juno badly. Other than that, a lot of agreeing, this is from Boyd: I agreed with most of the points in your review, the cast made the movie. and this note came from Kristine... with a K: There were some flaws here-and-there but I thought it had a decent story and really liked it.

[10-11-08] Max Payne
"As a fan of the game I was insulted and as a cinemagoer I was bored; not exactly the best of combinations"
3/10
Emails from gamers were somewhat mixed. Rollo Tomassi sent me this: I'm a die-hard fan of the games and I was looking for a lot of moody voiceovers and blammo shoot-outs so I was shocked and appalled with what came out Just a quick point here, his or her name isn't really Rollo Tomassi, it's just a tag name or whatever but as it references a very decent flick, I've kept it in. I also received an email from Ed : I am so surprised by your negative comments! I'm a huge fan of the game and I loved this film! Somewhat bi-polar results. However, it would appear the majority of audiences and cinemagoers aren't exactly siding with the latter comments. It's too bad 'cause I kinda like John Moore as a director; his heart seems in the right place. Ah well.

[11-11-08] Body Of Lies
"Gritty espionage thriller from a masterful director but I think the public will not fully appreciate or understand this release; it's Kingdom Of Heaven all over again"
7/10
Body Of Lies - or Body O' Flies as I have been calling it lately - hasn't exactly done as well as expected. I said people wouldn't understand it and true to form, they didn't. I was confused / Nothing but an over complicated mess / Huh? That was my favourite one. A request to explain the premise of a film reduced to one guttural grunt I didn't get it / The Middle-East all looks the same to me, I couldn't follow what was going on / So, did Leonardo DiCaprio give up his US citizenship? That was stupid! Imbeciles, one and all. Sometimes I think people are just playing stupid to get their ridiculous comments read out on the air. Then I email them a response and realise they're just really dumb.

[12-11-08] Zack And Miri Make A Porno
"Hilarious in places, stupid in others"
6/10
I hate Kevin Smith fans; I find them stupid, childish and moronic. Now, I know, technically that includes me but I just don't like being in the same cinema as them. So when I receive feedback from them, I'm left with the overwhelming desire not to read them out.

[24-11-08] Four Christmases
"Big cast, dumb humour, little to show for it"
3/10
I don't really understand the 'oh no I have to spend Christmas with my family' because I do what I bloody well please. I have the spine to say I can't be arsed to see you or have you bought me anything... then yes, I would be delighted to see you. I did read a humorous quote about the nature of the comedy by Kyle Smith who writes for the New York Post 'The difference between the average unfunny Christmas comedy and this one is the difference between Grandpa telling you knock-knock jokes and Grandpa telling you knock-knock jokes with his bathrobe open and his hand creeping up your thigh.' Hilariously inappropriate. As this has only just been released in the UK and US I have almost no feedback to my review, so we'll press on.

*Now, what would you like for Christmas?*

Ratings
Eastwood's Changeling carries a sufficient amount of clout with it for not only being an interesting and original period drama but the added bonus of a well executed interesting and original period drama. I don't know if it's going to be up for any Oscar nods or whatever but it certainly deserves due attention during its cinematic release. Incidentally the new Demi Moore heist drama, Flawless is being released in the next week or so and it is a surprisingly entertaining piece that I saw in the States earlier this year; certainly worth a look.

*You stink!*
*I think you're going to have a good Christmas this year*
*You smell like beef and cheese, you don't smell like Santa*

Best & Worst Releases Of The Month
2. Max Payne
1. Four Christmases


2. Zack & Miri Make A Porno
1. Body Of Lies

*It goes something like this. How about it? Think you handle it?*

Special Feature
Joining me now is Mr. Paul Collis. Paul have you seen any films recently? ...er... no. Will you.. go watch something so we can talk about it next month? Maybe. Good man, join us next month for the return of Paul Collis. Now, here are two interviews featuring Daniel Wickham *Brief interview with Daniel Wickham regarding Max Payne - recording LIVE in Cuba*

*Santa, what's Christmas really about?*
*Vengeance! ...er... I mean, presents. I suppose*

*Interview with Daniel Wickham about Christmas Specials*

*Elf fucker! Turn around Santy Claus! Faggy Claus!*

Coming Soon
Initially unconvinced, I'm now starting to warm to the idea of Frank Miller's version of The Spirit. I still think it's going to be a little dodgy but possibly not as much as I originally thought. If you've seen a trailer for Will Smith's new film, Seven Pounds you're probably just as confused as everyone as to what the hell the movie is about. There have also been early trailers for Push which is another one of these Jumper-esque, X-Men spin-offs that looks fairly bland to be honest. February will also see the sequel to Steve Martin's terrible Pink Panther remake - oh joy - and the re-imagining of Friday The 13th, which doesn't look too bad. With Clint Eastwood's Changeling entering cinemas soon, I'm casting my gaze ahead to his new acting release, Gran Torino, which looks relatively promising. It's due for a US release in January next year and a European pencilled date for February. Oh and a sequel to The Descent has been planned. For those that don't know, The Descent is a very original and very scary horror flick from Neil Marshall that I rate highly. Now, for some reason, somebody had the bright idea to film a sequel with the original cast. I honestly have no idea how this is going to work and think the whole thing is incredibly fucking stupid. Fuck sequels. And finally, I'm relatively ashamed to announce my reactions to the first trailer for JJ Abram's Star Trek. Yep, I wet my geeky little pants. I really should hang my head in shame and I'm still unsure about certain elements but overall it looks like a genuinely entertaining Sci-Fi blockbuster. Having said that, Trek will just never be cool; you know why? 'Cause Star Wars was war and romance whereas Star Trek is an over glorified high school science class field trip. Had to be said.

*No, I realised that Christmas is a time to spend with the people you love. And I realised that as dire chance and..and..and fateful cock-up would have it, here I am, mid 50's and without knowing it I've gone and spent most of my adult life with a chubby employee. And as much as it grieves me to say it, it..it might be that the people I love, is in fact.. you*
*Well this is a surprise*

What I Watched Today
Every Christmas day, without fail I will watch one of my very favourite Christmas films; Die Hard. However, this is not Christmas Day, this is just the run-up, so my festive list does not contain this classic. I did, however, decide to watch Die Hard 2 *Here we are, Washington DC, heart of democracy, one hand washes the other. Whaddya say? Come on, man; it's Christmas* *So ask Santa for a new car. Merry Christmas, Pal* It gets a lot of flak but I still enjoy it. Recently released on Blu-Ray, I also watched Wall-E *I didn't know we had a pool!* Which will most certainly be making its way onto my highlights of the year page. Then there was Star Trek II: Wrath Of Khan *According to myth the Earth was created in six days. Now watch out, here comes Genesis; we'll do it for you in six minutes* I know, you want this sample, don't you? *KHAN!* Don't alright, that film is good and not just from a geek perspective; it's a legitimate SF flick and finally A Muppet Christmas Carol *Do you know if the prize turkey has been sold?* *The one twice as big as me? It's still there* *Oh, it's a pleasure talking to you, lad. Go and buy it* ...yeah, not going to talk about that.

*Looks like Father Christmas just forgot about me this year, Mr. B*
*Oh, not to worry because if you look very closely you'll a present in here from me. Yes, it's something I made for you*
*Well that's the prezzie that shows the most love. What did you make for me, Mr. B?*
*I made you... a fist. Yes, it's for hitting*

Outro
I suppose as this is a Christmas Special I should close with some sort of Christmas fact. Let's see. Ok...erm... according to Hoffman's Struwwelpeter, one story about Saint Nicholas - another name for Santa Claus or Father Christmas or whatever - states that the bearded gift-giver caught three boys teasing a kid with darker skin than them. Outraged by their bigotry he prepared a giant well of ink and proceeded to dunk the bullies in one-by-one until they were darker than the boy they were picking on. I suppose the moral of that story - applied to the contemporary standards of Saint Nick - would be... erm... don't be a racist or Santa will fuck you up. And in completely unrelated news - that's right, this has nothing to do with film, it concerns another great passion of mine: Rugby - London Irish have soared to second place in the Guinness Premiership table and I could not be happier. Obviously, I have no idea how long this little victory streak will last but it's nice to be housed at the lofty heights of the premiership, if only for a short time. Join me next month when I clarify for the last time why The Lion King is just another remake of Hamlet but until then I would like to thank you all for listening and ask that you continue to stay loyal to the site. Do tune in next month for more cinematic dronings. Happy viewing and a very Merry Christmas to you all.

If you have any comments about my site theredrighthand.co.uk or this podcast, please feel free to email me at theredrighthandatyourservice@yahoo.co.uk
This month's podcast was brought to you by a series of Christmas movies



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