THE RED RIGHT HAND PODCAST

[27 June 2009]
PODCAST Episode XII

Is This A Business Or An Obsession With You?

Introduction
Good afternoon, kids. *party blowout blares* Happy Birthday! To whom, you ask? The podcast. Yes, this episode marks the one year anniversary of this horrid institution. So, what can we expect from such a unique and special event? Nothing. Yes, that's right. Nothing. That little gesture is all I'm offering in respect to this whole birthday thing. And why? Because I'm a miserable, grumpy, misanthropic, Comedian-esque bastard. However, to make up for the abysmally sparse offering that was last month's episode, I have prepped a veritable feast of vocal talent for your listening pleasure. There are blockbusters to be addressed, retarded feedback to be announced, grand films to look forward to and a few special guests. I'm also introducing a brand new segment entitled, Daniel's Thought Of The Month. It would appear podcast regular, Mr. Wickham has a bit of a fan following and as such will be allotted one whole minute to say whatever he pleases. Exciting stuff, isn't it? I would like to take the time to quickly correct an error made last month. In episode eleven I highlighted the thoughts and opinions of Georgie who is also known as Dr. Oat-So-Simple. I have since been informed that this is incorrect and it is in fact Dr. Oat-So-Amazing. As if there's a fucking difference. I'd also like to say hello to Nick Claydon (and to an extent Stoo Goff) of creative-catharsis.com who apparently listen to the show. I'm a big fan of their site so give it a look if you can. To further tout my wares, if you happen to live in the Norwich area and have little planned on your Sunday evenings, feel free to visit Cinema City and take part in their fortnightly film quiz. Why? There's fun to be had and prizes to be won providing you can tolerate the rantings of the host; me. That's right, from the 2nd of August on every consecutive Sunday I will be hosting the Cinema City movie quiz. Speaking of quizzes and prizes, as yet no one has successfully submitted a complete list of the audio samples used in the last episode but good luck again this month. And one final thought. Megan Fox. She's a brain-dead skank, right? I mean.. I'm not alone in thinking that, am I? In a recent interview she was quoted as saying she'd worked with Michael Bay before Transformers as an extra on Bad Boys II when she was fifteen. She was whittering on about playing some bikini-clad dancer and went on to say "I got paid extra because if you allow them to put water on you, you get paid extra. I got, probably, $600." If that isn't the absolute makings of a ho-bag, I don't know what the hell is. Alright, with that out of the way, let's press on.

*I just wanted to say that I had a great time tonight and you were really nice to me and I would love to.. uh.. to ask you out some time. But if I don't call you, I just want you to know, it's 'cause I'm dead*

Review Of June 2009
Blood: The Last Vampire
Chi Bi [Red Cliff]
Gigantic
The Hangover
Kisses
Last Chance Harvey
Looking For Eric
Miss March
My Sister's Keeper
New Town Killers
Pour Elle [Anything For Her]
Rudo y Cursi
Sunshine Cleaning
Tenderness
Terminator: Salvation
Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen
Year One

*No! You must not read from the book!*

Daniel's Thought Of The Month
Hello and good evening. Welcome to a new segment on the podcast where I just kind of give away a thought I've had during this past month. This month I was kind of thinking about a film that I want to be made or in the alternative, I will make this movie - because that's how good I feel about this particular project. The two movies I watched, twice, in a row ('cause they're that awesome): Escape From New York and Escape From L.A. *The name's Plissken* And it got me thinking, Rocky, Rambo, Die Hard, got the older actors coming back and doing their parts again, we should have Kurt Russell come back, play Snake Plissken again. Or, as I said, in the alternative, I will play Snake Plissken; I'll get a big-ass tattoo on my chest of a snake, poke out one of my eyes, grow my hair long, just dick about in the woods for 90 minutes. If you've got any suggestions for this film or any other films that you want to see made, that you think I could star in, email in. I hope you enjoyed my thought of the month.. I might think of a different thought but it's likely to be the same thought every month so.. get fucking used to it.

*If you are not one of us, you are one of them*

New Reviews & Feedback
[31-05-09] Looking For Eric
"Not nearly Loach's best work but sill strangely rewarding, if only for the profoundly entertaining Eric Cantona"
7/10
One tiny piece of feedback from PaulChowMein stating, I think you completely undervalued the worth of this touching and delightful film. It reminded me of Slumdog Millionaire. Mr. Chow Mein, I understand your point but if I wrote that this film was in any way like Slumdog Millionaire, do you have any idea how many angry, disappointed emails I would receive? ...many.

[01-06-09] Terminator: Salvation
"With more plot holes than Independence Day and half the action sequences, Terminator: Salvation is simply flat-out insulting"
2/10
Many of the comments submitted praised the energy and drive behind my review but most agreed that I was a little too harsh on the film. Not necessarily wrong, just harsh. This thought was sent in by Fiendish_Phallus, Dude, that thing you wrote about mankind being responsible for skynet and the terminator being responsible for crappy effects films was so insightful! That's the reason I love reading your reviews! Thanks dude. These thoughts came from Effalet in Florida, I think you went a bit too hard on Terminator. Sure it wasn't great but it was a passable action-thriller. And finally, Christian sent me this, This film was totally loyal to the saga, a totally different Terminator film, McG's best film and one of the most stunning blockbusters of the year!. I know it wasn't Christian Bale because he didn't send it in CAPS. *I'm gonna fucking kick your fucking ass if you don't shut up for a second, alright!?*

[02-06-09] The Hangover
"Not the most original of plot devices but one of the more amusing and worth a watch"
7/10
These thoughts are from BeefyChris, After reading your review I wasn't expecting much but this movie was one of the funniest movies I've seen in a long time. It was like flawless in an epic way! From the other end of the spectrum of opinion, Suzie Wesson sent me the following, This was just vulgar, obscene and offensive; is this what comedy is now? I think the correct response to both submissions is, 'depends what you're into.' And finally this is from Joss C, You have no idea how funny this film was for me just because I have three friends who ARE these guys! Rob's the looker, Carl's the insane bearded one and Matt's the one with the nagging girlfriend, who's completely under the thumb. Thank you for that strange list of your friends, Joss. Must admit, I did find the exchanges about Stu's girlfriend cheating on him yet completely dominating his life quite amusing. But I can't say why... because the source of my amusement might be listening. I doubt he is. But, dude, everyone agrees.

[14-06-09] Sunshine Cleaning
"Outside of the lead performances, this film has little to offer but thanks to two very talented female actresses it still manages to entertain throughout"
6/10
This film was officially released in the UK yesterday and the US two months ago and due to that strange timing, I have absolutely no feedback to read out. So instead, here's a song. *Boogie Man - KC & The Sunshine Band*

[18-06-09] Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen
"You know what pisses me off the most? A few years ago several Citroen adverts were released detailing what could only be described as a transformer. Those thirty second ads were better than this entire two and a half hour mess"
5/10
So many comments to read out here. Before I do I just wanted to make mention of one thing I forgot to highlight in my review: Devastator's humongous swinging balls. Fucking stupid. There we go. I'm just going to read out the names and then their thoughts. Chris Burrows in Manchester: Transformers - fucking brilliant. Photogirl, New Jersey: Biggest fucking pile of shit ever. Bernie, Lincoln: Just wilfully become mentally retarded and the film's pretty good. Luke, London: painfully dull. your review was too tame, should have gone terminator salvation on its arse. Casey, Eugene, Oregon: Sell out shit. Brody, Virginia: Mudflap and Skids were racist but they could have been worse. George, Devon: Why does Michael Bay think loud and obnoxious equal a decent film? Sam Fulmer, Newport, Wales: Why are you so surprised this is awful? You knew it bloody would be! And finally Marty. I hate Marty. I think he either writes to me just to piss me off, or he's actually some man or woman who takes great pleasure in pretending to be really moronic. Episode 6, his comments pissed me off. Episode 11, his brief comments irritated me. Now he's written this... his masterpiece. Yo! I haven't seen Transformers yet but I read your review and goddamn you talk a lot of shit! Let me give you my quick capsule review, based on what I've seen. Megan Fox is the hottest piece of ass I have ever fucking seen! Her tits, my mouth, that's all I'm saying. Fuckin bitch is gagging for me to hit that snatch balls deep. I swear man, the first opportunity I get, I'd be like 'hey megan does this cloth smell of chloroform?' and bang I'd be sliding my shit in there. Little clit won't know what hit it. And when I'm done creaming all over that bitch's face I'm gonna enjoy Transformers 2, that shit looks off the fucking hook!. Maybe I should have a section of my podcast entitled Marty's Thought Of The Month. I don't know if he can generate that many thoughts on a yearly basis but part of me wants to watch him try. I've petitioned Marty to stop writing in but now I'm requesting a clip of his voice - so far he's ignoring my request. As such, I'm convinced it's a girl. Some girl who distrusts men as much as I distrust... well, everyone. Anyway, I loathe this guy. I have no idea what he gets out of my reviews and maybe I shouldn't be reading out his emails, maybe that's why he keeps writing them. Either way, if I ever meet this guy, I'm feeding him his fucking teeth.

[23-06-09] The Proposal "In a word, nauseating; escapism to the nth degree" 4/10 The Proposal's not due out for a good month over here, so my feedback is solely from American readers. It was a technically sound movie but I still thought it shilled a lot of shite. Tara (or *Tara* because she's a yank) remains unconvinced, The Proposal was a fun little romantic comedy and both actors were completely believable in their roles and played realistic characters. How can you not see this as a road to stardom for these people? I dunno kid, seems less like a road to stardom and more like a cul-de-sac.. to insanity and bullshit. Also, these people are already stars, what the hell are you talking about? Kim made this brief observation, Did you see that kiss at the end? Jeez that was fake! I think I was the only one rooting for Gertrude and Andrew to get back together. It's a good point that I briefly mentioned in my review: there was so little chemistry between the two leads that everything seemed so hideously forced. Another brief thought from Kathryn, This whole thing was PC double standard hypocrisy. They scorn the older men and promote cougars! When did cougar themed movies become acceptable anyhow? Don't think I've heard the term Cougar-dating but ok. I must admit, I do like how this scenario works with an attractive female boss but if it were the other way around it would be tasteless sexual harassment... but whatever's good. And finally, the winner for this month's most retarded feedback came from Michelle who lives in Torrington, Wyoming, I cried. At what? The film? My review? Your incredibly lacking email? People, probing cohesive thought, please.

*Lola, be reasonable!*
*That's excatly what Tom said when he broke off our engagement! Being reasonable got me where I am right now!*

Ratings
Two other films I would like to quickly address are My Sister's Keeper and Year One. As some of you know, I used to work in a bookstore and as such, I have known about the story and popularity of Jodi Picoult's novel My Sister's Keeper for many years now. It's prime screen material and what Americans tend to refer to as an archetypal Lifetime Drama. I mean, there's no question that it's a powerful and poignant flick that successfully translates the emotional aspects of the novel but I couldn't help but feel the issue was somewhat.. exploited. It's a minor quibble but still one of note. As always with adaptations, you're better off reading the book. So, that just leaves us with Year One; Jack Black and Michael Cera comedy directed by Harold Ramis. The whole thing was incredibly lacklustre and immature and to be honest, I lost interest very quickly. Overall, a few good one-liners but other than that, this horrid mess is really really stale.

*I'm gonna kill 'em. Anyone that was involved, anybody who profited from it, anybody who opens their eyes at me*
*You kill them all*

Best & Worst Releases Of The Month
2. Year One
1. Terminator: Salvation

2. Chi Bi [Red Cliff]
1. Pour Elle [Anything For Her]

*It's easy to fight the bull from the brare*
*Bullfighting is completely immoral, it's vile and disgusting..*
*No, no. It means it's easier to be a critic than an artist*

Special Feature
*Interview with Independent film-maker Richard Sheppard*

*How did you know it was me?*
*You're the only one I know who would knock and then break in*
*Your other friends wouldn't break in, huh?*
*My other friends want to kill me so they wouldn't knock*

*Interview with Joanna Elston regarding The Proposal*

*Well, I'm tired, Mr. Smith. I'm tired of killing but I'm an addict, I can't quit. I've tried but I cannot do it on my own*

Coming Soon
Over the last few episodes I've been touting forthcoming releases due for August, September and October, so this month I would like to look far ahead at the big releases of next year. Obviously, at this early stage, we can only speculate on the big-budget studio pieces but at least you'll have some idea of what to expect. First off, we have Clint Eastwood's Nelson Mandela drama, The Human Factor which is due out December 2009. Then there's the eagerly awaited Clash Of The Titans remake starring the increasingly popular Sam Worthington. That's March 2010. Big action sequel Iron Man 2 will no doubt generate immense revenue, expect that one May next year and finally, a comic adaptation piece I'm rather looking forward to, revisionist Western Jonah Hex starring Josh Brolin and Megan Fox (unfortunately). Look for that one August 2010. And remember, kids, I'm probably going to mention Avatar at least once a month, just to make sure you're all pumped up for it.

*Now what the young ladies in this grade need is an attitude makeover. And you're going to get it.. right now. I don't care how long it takes, I will keep you here all night!*
*We can't keep 'em past four*
*I will keep you here until four*

What I Watched Today
Today I watched Rebel Without A Cause *I don't know what to do any more, except maybe die. If he had guts to knock mum cold once, then maybe she'd be happy and then she'd stop picking on him because they make mush out of him. Just mush* One of my all-time favourite actors in one of his best performances. One of his only performances.. but that's neither here nor there. Then Trainspotting *It's shite being Scottish! We're the lowest of the low, the scum of the fucking earth, the most wretched, miserable, servile, pathetic trash that was ever shat into civilisation. Some people hate the English. I don't, they're just wankers. We, on the other hand, are colonised by wankers. We can't even find a decent culture to be colonised by. We are ruled by effete arseholes. It's a shite state of affairs to be in, Tommy. And all the fresh air in the world won't make any fucking difference!* It was this release and Requiem For A Dream that convinced me drugs were a bad thing. And finally, High Plains Drifter *You're a man who makes people afraid and that's dangerous* *Well, it's what people know about themselves inside that makes 'em afraid* Duncan's brother, Duncan's ghost? I'm still largely undecided. And finally, this month's Noir Night flick is Hitchcock's Shadow Of A Doubt *They're alive! They're human beings!* *Are they? Are they, Charlie? Are they human or are they fat wheezing animals, hmm? And what happens to animals when they get too fat and too old?* Golden stuff.

*What is the big deal about a goddamn picture!?*
*They say the guy in this photo doesn't exist!*

Outro
Hmm... I was just wondering who would win in a fight, Powers Boothe or Stacy Keach? I'm thinking Booth but I'm undecided as yet. Write in with your thoughts if you like. One year down. Any closing statements? Well... I realise I read out your emails in stupid voices and mock every single word you say but I would just like to thank all the morons who have contributed to this show - helping to fuel the concept that cowards and idiots talk the loudest. I would like to thank my guest speakers.. bar one.. for their contributions and finally, I would like to thank anyone who listened, if only for a minute, and those who continue to listen. As long as people continue to listen to this broadcast, I am more than happy to carry on. With that said, all that remains is for me to close this month’s podcast, thank you all for listening and ask that you continue to stay loyal to the site. Do tune in next month for more cinematic dronings and as always, happy viewing, kids.

If you have any comments about my site theredrighthand.co.uk or this podcast, please feel free to email me at theredrighthandatyourservice@yahoo.co.uk
This month’s podcast was brought to you by the letter M



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