THE RED RIGHT HAND PODCAST

[30 May 2009]
PODCAST Episode XI

All You Can Do Is Pray For A Quick Death.. Which You Ain't Gonna Get

Introduction
Good afternoon, kids. Alright, so my prediction that May was going to be EXTREME may have been a little unfounded. Also, I was ravaged by flu and therefore unable to attend most of the screenings arranged for me. Movie news, the cinematic adaptation of video game Bioshock has been one of the first major blockbusters to feel the weight of the recession and has officially been put on hold. Which is extremely frustrating, as I feel this series houses such great potential. Georgie (also known as Dr. Oat-so-simple) informed me that upon reading my high praise for Gran Torino, she watched it and was moved to tears. So, you're very welcome; always like to hear when my reviews have inspired people to see films outside of their comfort zones. Richard Sheppard has joined the pantheon of multiple winners of the monthly audio sample quiz. For any new listeners, each month I encourage people to write in, identifying which films the audio samples relate to and on completion, each winner receives a terribly overrated mystery prize. Other than the infamous CherryBrooke56, Mr. Sheppard is the only person to correctly guess every sample used in two or more episodes. So, good luck with that.

*And you, as well as I, know that as the years decline and the memories stale and all your great victories fade, it will always be remembered that you left your king in Asia*

Review Of May 2009
12 Rounds
Angels & Demons
Coraline
Drag Me To Hell
Fighting
Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past
Hannah Montana: The Movie
Is Anybody There?
Little Ashes
Night At The Museum II: Battle Of The Smithsonian
Obsessed
Star Trek

*Of the class of 1916, out of the twenty who enlisted, thirteen are dead*

New Reviews & Feedback
[11-05-09] Angels & Demons
"Not nearly as awful as I had originally predicted but still the cinematic equivalent of fast food"
5/10
Following my damning review of The Da Vinci Code, most readers were surprised to see my thoughts on this release were generally neutral. Believe it or not, I strive to be an impartial and unbiased voice... but whatever. I received this little email from Alex in Tennessee, I didn't think that I would even know what was going on since I have never seen the Di Vinci Code. I was sure that I would be like where did that come from, or who is that person? But they done a real good job at not referencing the other movie very much. Just to inform you all, I wasn't taking the piss, Alex actually wrote 'but they done a real good job.' Anyway, One thing that I didn't like was it almost seemed like the Catholic Church sponsored the movie, and me not being catholic it was hard to follow along with some of the traditions. There were so many twist and turns and just not expecting what was going to happen next made it tight. Yes. Thank you, Alex. Clearly you haven't paid much attention to my review... if any. We also have these positive words from Paul Parker, This film was much more angelic than demonic.. Seriously people, you're not going to impress me with your little turns-of-phrase so just give me your honest thoughts, ..and although I don't fully agree with your review it has some good points. And finally, this eloquent piece was sent in by Katyana, Fuck you! You went too fucking light on this! Fucking ass! Yep, that was it, email in its entirety. Should I address it? Nah, let's just move on.

[18-05-09] Night At The Museum II: Battle Of The Smithsonian
"Tedious, dull and littered with plot holes, this could have easily been renamed Evening At The Cinema II: Battle To Stay Awake"
3/10
My low opinions of this film remain the same and as such I received a bit of flack for it. This is from Edward Green, who signs his emails E.Green, Wichita, KS, United States Of The Moment ...hmm, What the hell is wrong with you!? It's a vehicle for humour, nothing else! Let it go, man! Who cares if movies are a little dumb? What's wrong with that, no one complains about dumb books or dumb music!? I do. If you want something like that, watch a documentary! This reminds me of that Orange advert. Now, some of you may recall that I had to begrudgingly read out an email in Episode VI from a guy called Marty. His comments were directed toward my review for The Spirt but everything he said was nauseating. Well, he's seen this Night At The Museum II and felt the need to pen this, Once again you've shit on about crap that doesn't matter and failed to talk about the only part of the movie that mattered: Amy Adam's pancake ass. Mmm, I'd smother that thing with syrup and eat it for hours ...I fucking hate you, Marty. I really do.

*You can't come barking threats at me. Look, you can do whatever you want but Danny is a good kid, he's not some whining pussy like you. He needs my help and I'm gonna give it to him!*
*If you come near Danny again, I will feed you your fucking heart, Cameron*

Ratings
Only two other releases to report on this month. First we have the surprisingly impressive Coraline, a dark, enjoyable stop-motion affair that excelled in 3D. And secondly Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past which was expectedly naff. I did enjoy certain cynical elements and I have to admit, the film did pick up after the opening lull but these simple factors failed to save this flailing mess.

*You didn't get this hair from our side of the family, this is North of Ireland hair you got from your father. It's like.. like what you'd see on a presbyterian*

Best & Worst Releases Of The Month
2. Obsessed
1. Hannah Montana: The Movie

2. Coraline
1. Star Trek

*Encore du champagne*
*More champagne, Ms. Channing?*
*That's what I said, bub*

Special Feature
*A few words from Paul Collis and Katie Lamb*

*What the fuck you goin' do, Frank? Huh, what you do? You goin' shoot me in front of everybody? Huh? Come on*

Coming Soon
So many people come up to me and ask why I didn't talk about certain new releases on my podcast, highlighting that I have a Coming Soon section. Oddly enough, the releases I've been queried about were titles like Star Trek and Public Enemies both of which I have indeed commented on in this segment. The best example would be Natalie - who I briefly said hello to at the start of last month's broadcast - she came running up to me telling me about this film called The Road that she read about on some film site. I calmly explained I mentioned it on the podcast in January. So... in simple terms: listen to what I'm about to say, pay attention and remember these films won't be out for a while. Next month we have John Woo's troubled epic, Red Cliff. Trailers are going live now and this one certainly looks worth the wait. Looking ahead to August and beyond we have Quentin Tarantino's new flick, Inglorious Basterds. It's doing rather well at Cannes but I'm reserving judgement for now. Then Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen comedy Funny People has brandished some interest and as such, might warrant further investigation; that one's also due for an August release. September will see an adaptation of Dorian Gray, which I have high hopes for but will more than likely boil down to some 12A/PG-13 dumbed-down drivel. And finally, way off in the distance, Guy Ritchie's take on Sherlock Holmes. Have you seen the trailer? I dunno, screams Van Helsing and Wild Wild West to me... and those films were flaming turds. I'm hoping it will be bearable but I'm not holding my breath at present.

*I go on journeys out of my body. I look at my red hands and my mean face. And I wonder about that man that's gone so wrong*

What I Watched Today
Today I watched Taken *It's a flesh wound. But if you don't get me what I need, the last thing you'll see before I make your children orphans is the bullet I put between her eyes* This is an awesome film; angry dad runs around Paris looking for his missing daughter, torturing and beating all in his path. I think one of the reasons I truly empathise with Liam Neeson's character is that he knows the world but nobody listens to him until something goes horribly wrong. I also saw The Messenger *They've been hearing about you for weeks* *There's nothing to hear! And why is there nothing to hear? Because I haven't done anything! And why haven't I done anything? Because none of you will listen to me!* All too often, this film gets a bad-rap but I really enjoy it. Salo: or 120 Days Of Sodom *Please, my poor mother gave her life for me* *Undress her!*... ok, I should probably explain this one. Salo is a pretty messed up piece of crap; it's possibly one of the most messed up pieces of crap available. The only reason I watched it today is because I was sent a complimentary copy of the re-mastered Blu-Ray - a cool part of being a critic is getting free stuff, problem is you can't tell what sort of stuff you're going to get. So, not recommending this to anyone, nor am I proud to own a copy, just being honest with you all... 'cause I'm cool like that. Having said that, if you're into your stuck-up extreme/arty films or for all your high definition shit-eating needs, Salo's your film. And to clear my head of that filth, I watched 3:10 To Yuma *You got us through the tunnels, you helped us get away* *If I had a gun in them tunnels, I would have used it on you* *I don't believe you* *Kid, I wouldn't last five minutes leading an outfit like that if I wasn't rotten as hell* - great Western, great remake, great film. This month's Noir Night film was chosen by Daniel Wickham and as Mr. Wickham is a bit of a Bogart nut, he has chosen The Big Sleep *Well now, that's a funny thing, you're trying to find out what your father hired me to find out and I'm trying to found out why you wanna find out* *You could go on forever, couldn't you? Anyway, it'll give us something to talk about next time we meet*. And as I too am a Bogart nut and would relish the opportunity to *CENSORED* young Lauren Bacall, how could I refuse?

*A relationship I think is.. is like a shark, you know, it has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark*

Outro
With more big blockbusters on the way next month such as Terminator: Salvation, Red Cliff, Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen and Ice Age 3: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs, June is set to be a bit of a critical nightmare. You see, the problem with summer blockbusters is that they aim for your wallets, not your hearts and minds and as such we're treated to huge epics that don't really offer much more than big fx money shots. *sigh* ah well. With that said, all that remains is for me to close this month’s podcast, thank you all for listening and ask that you continue to stay loyal to the site. Do tune in next month for more cinematic dronings and as always, happy viewing, kids.

If you have any comments about my site theredrighthand.co.uk or this podcast, please feel free to email me at theredrighthandatyourservice@yahoo.co.uk
This month’s podcast was brought to you by the letter A



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