The Red Right Hand

We Know It's Big. We Measured

Aaron Seltzer
Kal Penn
Adam Campbell
Jennifer Coolidge

One of the first things that struck me about Scary Movie 4 was the actual skill that had gone into developing a piece that bared an incredible likeness to the film it was parodying. That, of course, was the only skill and thought that had gone into it and it's apparent that the same has happened here. Beautifully accurate costume and set designs squandered and wasted on poor fart, weed and sex jokes. This whole thing just felt like a complete waste of my time. So, in the fashion of the "Insert Franchise Here - Movie" series, I will proceed to waste yours. The story... no, lets try again. There's no story, just a case of jumping from one mindless sketch to the next. What starts out as four orphans winning lottery tickets to Willy's factory, changes into a quest through Gnarnia. This is actually more difficult than it seems; to tell you the story, I would have to make a long list of films and explain the running joke, there's simply no other reason for them to be in the film. The acting is absolutely moronic, the script disgustingly stupid and you can't help but wonder why anyone would be involved with this crap. Who the hell are the movies being made for?

Posted online by Mr. J Solomon, currently residing in the United States:

"Forget what everyone else says, this movie was great. I laughed every 10 seconds and it was like watching Scary Movie 5, except without scary movie parodies. The parodies are creative and hilarious, and this movie deserves a 10, if you haven't seen it, see it. Give it a chance, I thought it was a great movie and you should defiantly see it!!!! Excellent use of "Fergielicious" in the movie as well. Great jokes along the way, and I can't watch Chronicles of Narnia without cracking up. I went into this movie as a last second thing to do on a Friday night, and I thought it would suck. But I was pleasantly surprised. I'll be using Epic Movie terms for a long time now. Long live Jack Swallows!!!!!!!!"

I can't even begin to describe the rage coursing through me at present. People like this are the reason abysmal movies make money! Fracking peasants!

The first and third Scary Movies weren't all bad and somewhat entertaining but everything else that followed (Scary Movies 2+4, Date Movie, Epic Movie) has been so bloody awful that you wonder how they get the go ahead each time, how they get funding and how they don't get destroyed in legal proceedings. An original and hysterical satire the likes of Borat has come under incredible scrutiny and legal action but something like this gets off scot-free. I just don't understand the logic behind that. All I can presume is that their agents are good and the public are incredibly dim-witted. The worst part is that I saw the trailer and thought that it could be alright but when the time came for the previewed snippets to make their way into the story, I didn't laugh and sat there thinking, "What the hell? Why did I think that was funny in the preview? That's just stupid." I suppose removing jokes from context and placing them in a tiny two minute space shows off a pretty little cottage, it's only once you've bought the house that you hear the gunshots coming from next door... that is, of course, if you can make anything out over the trains rolling by, three inches from your window. Do you see where I'm going with this?

I'm well aware this isn't exactly an insightful or probing review. I don't really know how to end it... it's probably better without a summating paragraph, all I would do is curse this infuriating, moronic, waste of time, money and resources. The official price tag has not been released but I can only guess that it's somewhere in the range of $40-50,000,000 - similar to the later Scary Movie and Date Movie budgets. The Fountain was made on a minute budget of only $35,000,000 and looked beautiful and captivating; if all you can pull out of forty million is something like Epic Movie, you really have to wonder whether you were meant for the film industry or if you would be better suited at a US college party screaming "Chug, chug, chug!" for the rest of your life. This movie is truly beyond terrible. Please, I urge you, avoid this one at all costs.

Release Date:
9th February 2007

The Scene To Look Out For:
One part that actually parodied the stupidity of censoring certain songs with scratches and bleeps was done pretty well. I kinda agree with that stuff, if you're going to have a line as follows, we're all going to figure out what it means. What's the point in censoring it at all? Especially when you put all the innuendo straight back in using a music video. "Check me out boys, I've got real big (insert generic sound). I know all you pirates wanna (insert generic sound). You mind popping your (insert generic sound) in my (insert generic sound)? I know you're getting (insert generic sound), when you (insert generic sound) my (insert generic sound). Oh yeah." Kind of reminded me of that Pussycat Dolls song. I dunno, made me raise the tiniest of smiles and think, "Yeah, stupid songs." This was quickly replaced with, "Stupid movie."

Notable Characters:
Captain Jack Swallows. Why? I don't have nor need a reason. Let's make something up that sounds fitting: I picked Jack Swallows because the nature of the highly successful Captain Jack Sparrow character –from The Pirates Of The Caribbean series- is one that people love and know but one that is so ridiculously outrageous that a simple impersonation is enough to produce a strong parody.

Highlighted Quote:
"Holy shit, a talking beaver"

In A Few Words:
"Essentially, Date Movie 2. The kind of stuff that makes you want to neuter yourself, to spare future generations"

Total Score:

Matthew Stogdon