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CRANK Mark Neveldine Brian Taylor Starring Jason Statham Amy Smart Jose Pablo Cantillo **This review is going to seem short, but that's only due to the fact that there's so very little to say about this film that can't be summed up with 'too much of nothing happens' over and over again** A visual effects programmer and a stuntman meet in a bar to discuss a highly-stylised feature about a man injected with a poison that cuts off his adrenal gland. He has about an hour to live but realises that the bigger the adrenaline rush the longer he can push himself. I'll be honest, it's a fairly interesting concept and I could imagine it working (not realisticaly, of course) if the plot was engaging enough to hold the action sequences but Crank fails in such an odd way. Working on the notion that to stop will kill the plot (not to mention the lead), the writer/directors have removed all plot and continuity elements in favour of non-stop, skull-splitting action. This is the perfect film for modern America, giving the public exactly what they supposedly want*; Los Angeles setting, guns, fighting, swearing, gore, sex and absolutely no plot. One of the interesting things is that despite the movie being so awful, it's impossible to be bored, I would even go so far as to say I walked out of the cinema having been genuinely entertained. There's enough on-screen to keep you busy and not a lot in the way of plot to make you question anything happening; on top of all that it's actually quite humorous in places. The (moronically named) poisoned hitman, Chev Chelios [Statham] seems to be on a simple quest with four main objectives; 1.Find his doctor 2.Seek and exact revenge 3.Protect his girlfriend 4.Stay alive - drugged up to the hilt and panic-stricken, Chev tries to achieve all these in one go. During the course of his investigation -if you can call it that- Chev realises that doing radical things keeps him going and helps him focus. The first half an hour shows our hitman running around looking for Verona [Cantillo] , the gangster who injected him with deadly 'Chinese Shit.' Every now-and-then he will pause for thought, call his girlfriend and leave a message, then receive a call from his doctor - due to arrive at LAX sometime soon - giving him some pharmaceutical advice. One of the worst elements of the film, other than the fact that it's rotting your mind away is Amy Smart's character, Eve; Chev's girlfriend. It starts out well with the sort-of homage to Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction (tenderly looking after his girly, desperately trying not to rush or upset her, despite the impending carnage that awaits them both) but just leads into her being a ditzy, fussy moron, with no arch, development or brain! I was mostly indifferent but Smart has lost all my respect, doing a complete disservice to women-folk everywhere. The truth is that none of the characters are at all likeable nor believable and the only hint of what's to come is the opening screen; an retro arcade-style logo screen saying Crank with a throbbing heart - this film is just one long video game and as a gamer, watching someone else playing a game is one of the most nauseating and frustrating experiences known to man. On the plus side (and what a lonely side it is) the visual styling is really quite interesting in places, most of it is stolen from other films and the whole thing feels like an SFX demo reel [entitled, Look What I Can Do With My Computer] but there are still elements that make for interesting viewing. With intelligent action films out there, not to mention mindless classics such as Die Hard, you (yes you, the general film watching public) can find better, cheaper, easier, sooner... and if this is the kind of film you enjoy, I imagine you would be very appreciative of that. Release Date: 9th September 2006 The Scene To Look Out For: I can't... the whole film is one long scene. Instead I shall simply list things I didn't like... this will be lengthy: -the endlessly spinning/shaking, vomit-inducing camera work -a hero with no consideration of what will happen to him after he finds a cure; if there even is one -glorification of drug use, promoting different forms of keeping your adrenalin pumping (but with none of the lows.. or heart failures) -public rape-cum-hot sex -the magic bullet, stated earlier -black gangstas threatening Chev with guns but when they come to fight him they just walk behind him, slowly, shouting -a man has his hand cut off and attempts to punch Chev with the stump, which only seems to hurt when he misses -falling from a helicopter, which would usually take mere moments, but in this instance he has enough time for a phone call (as if he'd have signal) -the defibrillator that doesn't kill Chev, just throws him across a room and into a lift -clearly catering for Americans, showing deplorable violence and every swear word under the sun but all efforts must be maintained to reveal only implied nudity EXEC 1: Will her modesty be compromised? EXEC 2: Not really, she will be having sex in the middle of China town before Chev slugs five rounds into a guy's face.. EXEC 1: ...but no breasts? EXEC 2: No, just a bit of leg and shoulder EXEC 1: Thank God for that, I wouldn't want Mother's calling in, complaining about what their kids are seeing in theatres these days! ....you get the idea Notable Characters: The guy with the magic bullet (not the one that killed Kennedy). At one point Chev is shot in the arse and screams, rather clearly, 'ARGHH! He shot my arse!' Blood and trousers all over his backside, he holds his leg for the next few shots and then it's perfectly healed, no blood, no rip, no mess, nothing. Hence, magical healing bullet! That guy must have been some sort of Salvation Army guy, trying to even the balance, who knows? Highlighted Quote: "Be cool! There's a white nigger in here with a gun!" In A Few Words: "Little substance and a lot of style but only really going to be for fans of Domino or people with the attention span of drugged lab ferrets" Total Score: 3/10 Matthew Stogdon (*If you don't believe me, this is what the US public are saying: Nothing less than GREAT/A fast-paced, clever and cool-as-Hell rush of a film/Brilliant and FUNtastic/Nonstop, intense, go see this film/Crank it on [this one's my favourite]/Crank me baby, pull-eez!/Terrifically badass/Like an all-you-can-eat buffet.. for your senses/Instant classic/Lets get cranking/Easily the best action film ever!/Speed on foot, fast paced and a SEX SCENE WITH AMY SMART ........ this is why the public need critics, they clearly can't think for themselves) |
