www.theredrighthand.co.uk
| The Red Right Hand www.theredrighthand.co.uk |
|
|
|
|
|
THE TWILIGHT SAGA David Slade Starring Robert Pattinson Kristen Stewart Taylor Lautner Through the use of this website I have said some incredibly spiteful things about the Twilight films in the past. But I was wrong. Goddamn, I love Twilight. How could I have been so blind all this time? Just thinking about it makes me want to dry hump something.. anything! . . . That's what Summit Entertainment want me to write. That's why they send me to screenings of these terrible films. That's why they insist on sending me complimentary copies of the Blu-Rays and merchandise before they're released to the public. That's why I'm offered opportunities to interview the cast and crew before politely turning it down because I'm 'too busy'. So, instalment the third; it's not high on their list of priorities but certain representatives of this film keep sending me along to these kiddie-packed screenings in the desperate hope that I will churn out a half-decent review, proclaiming the new Twilight movie above average. I don't have to love the fucker but I have to admit defeat, that the series was better than I thought it could be. That's what you want! Isn't it!? Of late I confessed to a few friends that I actually enjoy watching the Twilight films now; not the whole thing, probably closer to about 70%. That's not to say that they're any good, I seem to have simply generated a vague amusement by their existence and ever-increasing popularity. But before we get onto my overall conclusion, let's address the plot. Quick recap (which I will phrase assuming you've never watched Twilight), the first film is about a moody girl who falls for an equally moody boy, who happens to be a vampire. OMG! In the second film moody girl gets dumped by moody boy but befriends hot-head boy, who happens to be a werewolf. OMG! This latest film just plays on the two boys fighting over moody girl. OMFG! Victoria [Bryce Dallas Howard], the lover of deceased crazy vampire James (killed in the first film) has been secretly amassing a vampire army to kill the Cullen clan and their human pet, Bella [Stewart]. Naturally, Edward [Pattinson] is concerned for Bella's wellbeing but his primary focus appears to be convincing the girl - who wishes to spend eternity with him as a sparkly blood-sucking fiend - to marry him. For whatever reason, Bella's quite happy to die for him and all that teenage angsty shite but marriage is simply one step too far. At the same time, shirtless werewolf, Jacob [Lautner], genuinely believes that Bella has feelings for him and that he can force her to like him. Just as the teen-cock-jousting comes to a head, the army of newborn vampires (which are apparently at their most powerful because of the human blood that lingers in their system -- utter bullshit if you ask me) arrive and everyone has to set aside their differences for the time being. Cue big ol' fight between porcelain limbed vampires and over-sized CGI wolves. The film as a whole follows the same structural routine as the last two films: dialogue heavy intro, mild social drama, interspecies bonding, lots of posturing and angry staring, scrappy final battle, stupid neat close. You may have noticed I've been reluctant to express any real opinion about my personal reaction to this piece. I walked out of the screening (having been surrounded by a room full of screaming, clapping, whistling, laughing, heavily breathing girls for over two hours) and bemusedly stated, "this may be the most shocking review I've ever written" primarily because I actually thought this film was alright . . . I felt that needed a new paragraph, for dramatic effect. Yes, Eclipse is the first Twilight Saga flick that doesn't make me want to disembowel cinemagoers to spare them the horror that awaits. Am I betraying my previous reviews? Am I selling out? Nope, just being honest. I stated in my previous review that New Moon came along in leaps and bounds but was still a monumental shit-fest. The exact same could be said of Eclipse but having improved once again, it actually becomes tolerable. That's the key point here: I will happily acknowledge to the fans that this one is bearable but to those who do not like the series, it's only just reached the stage of mediocre cinema, whose biggest achievement is not being as excrementitious as its predecessors; not exactly the best of praise. Stephenie Meyer's surface-based vampire / werewolf mythology and traits are ridiculous, we all know this - sparkly fucking vampires and steamy werewolves who can't wear shirts, pffft - but the various flashbacks were interesting and helped flesh out the supporting characters a little. The only problem they present is how little they really further the plot leaving a positive element often feeling rather clunky and out of place. An odd comment to make, as I actually rather enjoyed them - even Edward's explanation that he's not used to the pace of contemporary relationships, favouring courting and chaperoned strolls to rutting in the back of a car was almost appreciated. Other positive factors to be considered are the visual effects which are still by no means flawless but greatly improved over the last two outings. Although short-lived, Bryce Dallas Howard is a welcome addition and Xavier Samuel's portrayal as the thoroughly manipulated Riley is half-decent. The picturesque locations of the American Northwest are also taken advantage of, demonstrating good production value and genuinely impressive backdrops. And finally, the acting is getting better, far from good but getting better; Kristen Stewart's delivery has improved (not a great deal but she's certainly a lot less whiney), Pattinson does more than just stare most of the time (though this remains his primary function) and Lautner continues to provide a genuine amount of comic relief amongst the cheesy one liners. However, shaking off the negative aspects is a pretty difficult task considering the worst elements are also the plot's core. The love triangle between Jacob, Edward and Bella is still ridiculous if only for the sole fact that there doesn't appear to be a single reason why both men are pining so heavily after this horrendously bland, indecisive coquette. The supporting actors are criminally underused - sure the occasional 'Charlie comment' from Billy Burke or nod towards the vampires or werewolves actually having an existence is all well and good but without exploring it further, it just comes off as an afterthought. One of the only point s I actually praised the original Twilight film for was Carter Burwell's original score; the songs were typical but the score itself was dark, fitting and incredibly distinctive. I was genuinely surprised when these similar themes and tunes were not carried across to New Moon and I'm even more surprised that Howard Shore's latest offering is so very bland, forgettable and wholly disposable. Then there's the 'newborn vamps' themselves and their ridiculous drama class poses that look reminiscent of X-Men 3: The Last Stand - lots of hunched shoulders, extended elbows and slowly tilting heads. It sounds minor but adds to the ridiculousness of the whole thing. And on top of all that, there's the exceptionally terrible dialogue with lashings of cheese and heartfelt bullshit that sends the reasonable minded in the audience into convulsions of suppressed laughter. In summation, this brings the entire series up a peg (though still quite low down the .. metaphorical .. ladder of achievement .. or whatever) but that simply means the fans will be a little happier and the average cinemagoer may be able to stomach it but for any uninitiated neophytes, you're still required to go back to the start to get up to speed (even though I could offer a quick summation in about 4 minutes, heavily utilising the word 'cock-tease'). But in the end is it even worth it? There's a popular belief that within a decade, the whole Twilight phenomenon will have quickly died out and everyone will be laughing off any previous allegiance, wearing their Team Edward t-shirts ironically. Having said that, the same thing was said of James Bond and Star Wars, so you never know. Release Date: UK - 9th July 2010 US - 2nd July 2010 The Scene To Look Out For: Ah, the tent scene. Have to bring it up, it's just too amusing not to. At one point, near the film's finale, Edward and Bella are camping high up in the mountains, to avoid detection. Freezing her arse off, Bella begins to shiver and shake; being an undead creature of the night, Mr. Cullen is unable to help her and can only watch his beloved slowly freeze to death - awesome. At that point, Jacob enters the tent (still shirtless) and offers to warm her because, as he states, "Face it, I'm hotter than you." The alpha male pissing contest continues a little more before a mild amount of bonding takes place and although it's laughable, it's actually supposed to be. After all the circling, snarling and catty comments the likes of "doesn't he own a shirt?" the two finally come to some strange mutual understanding. Memorable if only because it delivered what it set out to achieve. Notable Characters: Have you ever had two people fighting over you? I have. It's shit. Unquantifiable shit that never ends and all you can seemingly do is the wrong thing. As someone who has lived that experience, surely I would be able to empathise with the lead heroine and her plight? Fuck no. Do you remember all that crappy dialogue in the first Twilight film? "I'd rather die than stay away from you" and all that teenage wanky nonsense? That would imply she loves the balls off the vampire. Right? To die for him, wanting to be turned into a vampire to be with him. But at the same time, she supposedly 'loves' the werewolf guy too but not enough to want to truly be with him, just enough to kiss him and give a good tug on his leash. For those of you too young to know, that's considered 'using' someone. Yes, throughout this movie, I was reminded of my complete disdain for Bella as a character; as much a manipulative, vain, self-absorbed, indecisive, reckless, stupid, selfish, mumbly moron as ever. Highlighted Quote: "I kissed Bella. Then she broke her hand.. punching my face" In A Few Words: "Another dose of the same foul Twilight tonic but the grotesque aftertaste seems to have been neutered considerably, allowing for an almost watchable experience" Total Score: 
5/10Matthew Stogdon |
