The Red Right Hand

Carrie On

Michael Patrick King

Sarah Jessica Parker
Kristin Davis
Cynthia Nixon
Kim Cattrall
Chris Noth
John Corbett

Ah the joy of a new Sex And The City movie, a shining opportunity for me to watch a film, hate said film, write a scathing review and proceed to receive bundles of hate mail for bashing the only media haven for ladies, that really 'gets' what it means to be a woman. But you know what? Fuck you. The plot itself can be boiled down to, "What do we do now we have everything we've been moaning about for the last FUCKING decade and we're still not bloody happy!? I know, let's run away from our problems." Carrie's [Parker] married to Big [Noth] but feels the relationship is falling into routine. Charlotte's [Davis] threatened by her bra-less nanny and.. I dunno.. doesn't like the idea of having children now; not realising she'd have to actually raise the sods. Miranda [Nixon] suffers increasing problems with her boss and quits her job and Samantha [Cattrall] is still a big ol' hobag - but seriously, she attends a film premiere set in Abu Dhabi and subsequently the three shallow wenches and their mum ship off abroad. Once in the Middle East, Carrie bumps into Aiden [Corbett] (because let's face it, what else is there for her to do?) and discovers her book on marriage received poor reviews (which Carrie blames on the male reviewer, as opposed to the fact that she knows piss all about marriage), so she kisses Aiden and runs away. Big gets angry, Sam gets arrested and they all get chucked out of the hotel.

Granted, a much clearer plot has been dreamt up this time round but it's still an absolutely trivial fan service that serves no other purpose than to turn to the audience, break the fourth wall, wink and whisper, "Am I right, ladies?" I suppose on the plus side, there's always the visual treatment of Morocco doubling for Abu Dhabi, with its luxurious sets but seriously, that's about it. The editing is sloppy, the dialogue is insultingly simplistic, the score and choice of songs are predictable and the acting is expectedly tedious. It's like a two hour rendition of #Here Come The Girls# - that fucking anthem of the harpies - followed by a slightly racist joke at the finale. What I fail to understand is the director himself, Michael Patrick King. I cannot seem to grasp whether this guy is an absolute moron or some sort of unscrupulous genius -- a dilemma of character judgement I like to dub 'How big a knob is Michael Bay and does he only do these terrible things because he knows it will sell?'

Ok, main point here, one that will probably be the highlight of many critic's reviews. This movie is hideously offensive. What supposedly started out as strong independent women taking their strong independent ideals to the uncivilised foreigners, broke down to little more than slutty, binted, ignorant US tourists having a go at foreign customs because they were unable to act however they liked. I have no issue with satirising or parodying other cultures, providing it is done with a clearly presentable message but flat out insulting nations by saying 'everything you do is backward and stupid' is just asking for a decking (VERY unlike me to say this, I know, but I'm telling you, there's a difference between an intelligent parody and mindlessly offensive nonsense: the difference between Borat and Bruno should prove that). The thing that disturbed me the most was the test audience I was seated with and their guffawing and clapping hands like hungry sea lions whenever the characters stood up to the Muslims. I came close to coshing every single squalid commoner who, when foreigners behave the same way in this country, claim they are 'the reason the UK is such a mess.' And yet these are the same people who label and defend their beloved Sex And The City as progressive and supportive of women, when the central characters are little more than vapid, selfish, spoiled, self-centred, ungrateful, vain, materialistic, shallow, indecisive, narcissistic imbeciles. I'm under the impression that women don't even like Sex And The City, I think they choose to watch it and defend it solely for the fact that it is expected of them. Forgive me if that doesn't read particularly well, it's a badly paced but honest paragraph form a truly troubled critic.

So, if it's pretty much the same garbage as the first film, why have I ranked it significantly lower? Simple answer there; as most of you know, I rate any film set in New York as the city itself cannot help but provide amazing visuals. Remove the city, I remove the mark. Furthermore, it's racist as hell. Hence, 2/10.

Release Date:
UK - 28th May 2010
US - 28th May 2010

The Scene To Look Out For:
The opening wedding sequence was just shocking. I'm in no way homophobic but there are only so many ways you can film the most absurd, ostentatious, tasteless wedding without a cameo from someone like Liza Mi.. oh, wait, no, they manage to squeeze a Liza Minnelli cameo in there too. It's genuinely insulting, preying on every single gay stereotype whilst some how trying to portray itself as daring, in your face and brave; as if to say, "You're just uptight because you can't handle all of this" whilst dressed up in bondage gear in public. My main reason for highlighting this scene in particular is to address anyone who may email me (which I'll read out in my podcast) to accuse me of being sexist and not getting the show. Anthony and Stanford should never be together! Sorry, that's just wrong on two levels: 1.) it betrays the characters from the series 2.) it states that the only two gay men on the series will simply HAVE to marry because there's no other suitable candidates. See? I know what I'm talking about rather than just belittling your little series and I still think it's shit. Initially I wanted to highlight the 'how we met in the 80s' bit (which precedes the opening) but couldn't bring myself to write about it.

Notable Characters:
I sat through every goddamned episode of that fucking series and Charlotte wails on and on about having a husband and then a baby. So in the last film, they give her one to shut her up but that only stems jokes about shitting yourself and wailing some more and after all that she's now simply bored of it!? I stated that the last outing was a betrayal to the characters pitched in the series but this is just clear evidence that the writers are doing little more than desperately crowbaring any situation left for each hollow character.

Highlighted Quote:
"You knew when you married me I'm more Coco Chanel than coq au vin"

In A Few Words:
"Little more than a badly edited holiday episode of a rather unnecessary show, with delightful hints of racism, intolerance and ignorance"

Total Score:

Matthew Stogdon