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TRANSFORMERS Michael Bay Starring Shia LaBeouf Megan Fox John Turturro Bay World - almost as ridiculous and dangerous as the consequence-free Richard Curtis World - is a curious haven. Every male falls into one of three categories: muscled hero, fat guy or minority. The females also fall into two categories: hot or old… and hot. That doesn't just apply to lead characters, that's every single actor on screen. Furthermore, in Bay World, things blow up more frequently, the sun seems to continually set the world over to ensure everything is bathed in an orange hue and everybody loves a good fart gag. Well, guess what, dick; this ain't Bay World! In this world we like our special effects films to be driven by good stories and credible characters. We like to actually see what the fuck is going on in fight sequences. Sure, we like the hot actors and actresses but we have to be able to relate to them. And most importantly, in the real world, you SUCK! Ok, I'm ranting here. This is getting out of hand and I don't need to generate another hate-filled Terminator: Salvation review. Following on from the events of the first film, Sam Witwicky [LaBeouf] is off to university and the transformers have formed some sort of elite team with the military. Before getting to Princeton, Sam discovers a shard of the All-Spark (the item which gives the transformers life) and has a map imprinted on his mind - a map leading to the matrix of leadership which activates a device created by ancient transformers, called the primes; the sole purpose of which is to harvest the sun. There, got all that? Alright, so the transformer that wants to destroy the sun for its energy is called The Fallen and he can only be released from his prison when the last descendent of the primes is dead. Oh and the decepticons find and resurrect Megatron. So we have two parallel plot threads, the first follows the military as they work with the transformers but get shut down by some government suit and the second details Sam's trip to Egypt to discover the meaning of the glyphs in his head. To be honest, what little plot there is, really isn't that important; the whole thing seems to have been written around the action sequences. We all know I enjoyed the first Transformers film. It was mindless action fun and as such I forgave a great deal of the flaws. But these flaws could not be overlooked in a sequel. The sequel would be a place to focus on the robot's goals, not the absurd human characters; a place where all the mistakes would be put right. Unfortunately, in an attempt to capture and increase whatever made the first film so successful, Bay has managed to mistakenly identify all the shit elements and sources of complaint and escalate them. The indiscernible fight sequences are even more of a skull-fuck on the eyes, the goofy immature humour has completely taken over, the absence of decent robots (as opposed to incompetent, wise-cracking metal morons) has been increased tenfold and the sly hints of racism have been replaced with full-blown jaw-dropping moments of tactless hate-mongering: it's as if some old biddy sitting in a pub has bought you a drink only to tell you about 'the good old days when we used to hang blacks and gays.' Sure, you've got a free drink but at what cost... do people think you're with this person? I don't share these opinions! I was supposed to be getting a free drink! I don't think black people work in butchers to buy new teeth! I was supposed to be getting an action film! Part of me just wants to sit here and list the wealth of flaws and various disappointments but that wouldn't really constitute a review. So, despite all this, why the reasonably high score? Well, to be honest, despite being a complete turd of a creation, the visual achievements are so very impressive. It would be an absolute crime to knock the visual effects for something as base as dumb characters. If anything, I would dub it as 'frustration' - frustration at not being able to fully see and appreciate every minute detail of this digital spectacle; ensuring the only way to enjoy this film is to purchase a Blu-Ray player and hit the half speed button during each fight sequence. In addition to this there was the score, which was surprisingly epic. Building on the orchestral risings of the first film, Steve Jablonsky's musical accompaniment is incredibly fitting for the genre and on-screen chaos. The best way to summate my thoughts would be to walk you through the events as I left the cinema. I watched the film. The film ended. I walked out in silence. I thought of all the things I could buy with £160,000,000. I thought of all the decent film projects that have been neglected and cast aside in favour of blockbusters. A friend turned to me and said, "Dude, you seem bitter." I turned to her, smiled and remarked, "Me? Bitter? Fuck no, I think it's hilarious." Release Date: UK - 19th June 2009 US - 26th June 2009 The Scene To Look Out For: Anything with a female on set was rife with sexual innuendo and leg (remember in Bay World all women are hot and don't mind showing it) and anything with the military was a heap of shouting, muscle-flexing nonsense - at the end of the day anything that wasn't a visual effects shot was kinda pointless and poorly executed. To be honest, the thing was so damn long but completely without substance - I know it had twice the effects shots of the first film and yet it seemed half as much actually took place. My general reaction to this film was one of complete apathy and as such the only scenes I might end up listing would be points of disdain and I can't be bothered to whine endlessly about the tiniest of flaws. Only kidding. I've argued the point of a robot attacking a human more times than I care to remember - with only anime releases really getting it right - but there was one particular short-lived decepticon who disguised itself as a scantily clad young woman. I was a little surprised by that but to be honest she was only around for the sexual appeal and to serve as a vehicle for Megan Fox to incite some 'how dare you cheat on me' crap. Or the little Joe Pesci wannabe decepticon humping Fox's leg - who in the name of Lucifer's bunghole thought that would be a good idea? Notable Characters: Everyone's making a grand fuss about the incredibly moronic, bug-eyed, goofy toothed, ear-flapping, retarded autobots, Mudflap and Skids. Are they taking the piss out of black people? Are they parodying stupid people? Who cares? All you really need to know is they were a pissing waste and made Jar Jar Binks look like Snake fucking Plissken! However, as moronic and dim-witted as he was in the first film, I actually enjoyed John Turturro in this film - not so much the ridiculous Sector 7 jockstrap shot but his 'one man, alone, betrayed by the country he loves' speeches were slightly amusing. I also enjoyed Starscream, he didn't look great but he was probably the most accurate portrayal of the character from the comics and TV series. Highlighted Quote: "The Matrix Of Leadership cannot be found, it must be earned" In A Few Words: "You know what pisses me off the most? A few years ago several Citroen adverts were released detailing what could only be described as a transformer. Those thirty second ads were better than this entire two and a half hour mess" Total Score: 
5/10Matthew Stogdon |
