The Red Right Hand

When You Can Live Forever What Do You Live For?

Catherine Hardwicke

Kristen Stewart
Robert Pattinson
Billy Burke

What a crock of absolute shite! Well, what the fuck did you expect me to say? Twilight is nothing more than a soppy romance about devotional undying love and soul-mates and all the juvenile wank that women are supposed to worship - the supposed female equivalent of the supposedly average male's reaction to Transformers. And before you start, no I haven't read the fucking books. No, that doesn't make me a hypocrite and no, my bitter twisted mentality is not creeping in to offer a bias on my opinions, this film is just crap in every way shape and form.

The overly bathetic plot is nothing more than your forbidden love story with a vampire at the helm. Young Bella (played by Kristen Stewart who appears to have graduated from the 'stare blankly, shake your head and then mumble a response' school of acting) has left her sunny home in sunny wherever and moved to the Pacific Northwest of the United States. There she goes to school and tries to fit in... which she does... with everyone. There are, however, a group of beautiful pasty teenagers that no one hangs out with called the Cullens. One Cullen in particular, Edward [Pattinson], gains the attention of Bella when he saves her from a squishing between a truck and a parked car. From there the crazy 'I want you but I can't have you' and 'it's so right but so wrong' romance clumsily flops all over the place for a solid hour like paraplegic virgins trying to figure out how to crack one off. During which we're subjected to vampire baseball and some shit about vampires being made of diamonds and a poor analogy for teen celibacy and, essentially, an almighty, quivering turd pinched out onto the vampire legend like a fucking Anne Rice novel; not to mention insufferable lines about love and living without one another - we've all said stuff like that but delivered in this film they sound so goddamn awful! I'm not here to defend either the romance genre or the vampire element but we really don't need badly filmed, renditions of things like that in our lives any more than we need a ninety minute documentary on the inside of Paris Hilton's anal tract. Some things are simply best kept away.

Then there's the writing. Now, as I have no desire to read the mad ramblings of some woman who detailed her ideal high school experience in some four hundred page rant, I don't know whether to blame the screenwriter or the author. And so, both shall suffer. The script and all lines delivered are horrendously abysmal; it was literally agonising as these two pretty kids raffed on about their bloody feelings for one another. On top of that, the delivery of said lines would have been better coming from a toaster (or other commonplace inanimate household device). So, other than my complete disdain for the naff plot and concept, is there anything really wrong with the film itself? The short answer: yes, like you wouldn't believe. This film is ugly and cheap as hell; you would be forgiven for thinking one of the viewfinders had been misconfigured, as every single shot is both badly framed - lopping off people's heads - and completely fails to draw focus where necessary. The action sequences were largely composed of two second flash-cuts and blurring the hell out of everything onscreen, whereas the dialogue scenes were little more than badly orchestrated close-ups. And don't even start me on the CGI effects or that painfully obvious wire running.

There are, however, tiny (almost insignificant) saving graces. First off, we have the soundtrack which was sullen and broody but despite this, reasonably fitting. On top of that (as back-tracking as this may sound), it's not gut-wrenchingly awful. Yes, it's disgracefully exploitative of the fantastical yearnings of the young female mind but at least I could sit through the whole thing - a comparison between a wholly deserving one-out-of-ten and this release would be the difference between an uncomfortable evening meal in a crappy restaurant with in-laws who hate you and being raped in prison showers. Sure, one is awkward and you'd rather not be there but at least you're not bleeding out of your arse while the prison guard watches the door.

Release Date:
UK - 21st November 2008
US - 21st November 2008

The Scene To Look Out For:
A scene that will no doubt generate the greatest amount of negative feedback is Edward explaining to Bella why he's the world's deadliest predator before taking her up above the clouds to show how 'monstrous' his sweaty/glitter-covered 'true form' really is. Sheer masturbation fodder for immature little girls that perfectly combines almost every single example of how poorly this movie was made. Either that or the vampires making Italian food to make a good impression for their human guest; terrible!

Notable Characters:
I don't get the appeal. Why are all these emo tweens falling over Bella and Edward so much? What makes them so fucking appealing? I felt no affinity with either of them. There was not one actor or role that convinced me of anything. I mean Edward is little more than a fucking stalker! The only thing separating him and some dirty date-raping prick is the fact that he's a pretty boy.

Highlighted Quote:
"I hate you for making me want you so much"

In A Few Words:
"Beautiful outsider teen falls for other beautiful outsider teen... who happens to be a vampire; wet romance for frustrated young girls"

Total Score:

Matthew Stogdon