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THE MUTANT CHRONICLES Simon Hunter Starring Thomas Jane Ron Perlman Devon Aoki Sean Pertwee John Malkovich One of the only positive points I could think to make about this film was the originality of the story concept; then I found out that it was based on a role playing game, a series of board games and a bundle of comics. This means that the film is now marked on its own merits of script, production and quality; all three of which seemed lacking. Be warned, there will be an abundance of spoilers littered throughout this review as I have no problem revealing how awful this turd is. As stated, the concept behind the plot is actually really interesting and very promising. I love steampunk (the concept of harnessing Victorian era ideals and technologies in a present/future setting) and to a further extent, cyberpunk and with Governments focusing on alternative fuels, the idea has become more popular in recent years. In this piece, set in the year 2707, all borders have been torn down and countries have dissolved into four corporations; Bauhaus, Mishima, Capitol and Imperial. Due to limited natural resources, constant territorial war rages globally, in World War I style trenches. During one particular battle between Bauhaus and Capitol, an ancient machine is discovered and reactivated. The purpose of this machine is relatively unknown but the effect is simple; essentially it is a production line for converting humans into necromutants. With the arrival of this new enemy, the four warring factions unite and turn to a secret religious order with the only means of stopping the machine. Once they get the go ahead, the order recruits ten soldiers for a suicide mission into the heart of the machine. Sounds pretty cool so far, right? Yeah, it's an interesting idea. So, we have our little group of idiots from the various corporations (at this point we realise how stupidly they've been divided: Bauhaus is just Germany, Capitol is America, Imperial is Britain and Mishima is China; every other ethnicity and country has been killed off but luckily for us, everyone speaks fluent English) who trundle off to get killed. What completely baffled me, however, was the cast. I genuinely cannot understand how they managed to rope certain names into this piece of crap. The only thing I can imagine is that they were informed of the concept, liked it and signed on and were only then presented with a script. Yet, for some reason, even with a promising cast, they manage to balls things up. Ron Perlman, an actor used to getting shoved into bit parts before the arrival of Hellboy was mildly entertaining except for the random (sort of) Irish accent that he adopted - no idea where that came from. The lead is played by Thomas Jane, who clearly wasn't trying as his character was either smoking, drinking, sleeping or roaring obscenities. Then there was John Malkovich, who had the good sense to remain on screen no longer than four minutes but even then, appeared to sleep through most of it. Having said that, this monstrosity was filmed in May 2006, maybe it was just a bad year for these guys, who knows? Before I commence the trashing of this film, I would like to quickly highlight the one good point. This film is purely computer generated (similar to Sin City and 300) so there were moments of impressive CGI buried under layers of crud - similar to Casshern, in a way. The characters were pointless, 2D cut outs, the action was poorly edited, the dialogue was horrendous, the over-the-top deaths were sickeningly idiotic, the intro is rushed and unbelievably dumb, the running time is too long, the gore looked like it was generated on MS Paint, the actors largely phoned-in their performances and the 'bomb' plot device was so ridiculous (we stole this from the machine and we think it might be a bomb but we have no way of knowing if it's important or just a fire extinguisher). If that wasn't enough, the final sequence is hideously abrupt, to the point you're left sitting in the cinema two-or-three minutes into the credits waiting for a proper ending. This film is an embarrassment to everyone involved and even though it's not as bad as a Uwe Boll production, I shouldn't imagine Simon Hunter's future holds much promise. Release Date: 10th October 2008 The Scene To Look Out For: Whoever was responsible for scripting this dross clearly loves the idea of honourable self sacrifices (Wrath Of Khan or Captain Oates going for his little stroll as opposed to Seppuku); so much so that almost every character makes a noble gesture and offs themselves for the good of… well, whatever. The problem is, they seem to return moments later, not entirely deceased, so they can make another, bigger and more sacrificeier sacrifice. Notable Characters: I like Sean Pertwee, I think he gets a bum-rap all too often but I find his performances worth a watch. This time is no different and despite him remaining on screen for maybe a minute longer than John Malkovich, he played the part of Captain Nathan Rooker well. Highlighted Quote: "I'm not paid to believe, I'm paid to fuck shit up" In A Few Words: "Largely moronic, two hour long let down" Total Score: 
2/10Matthew Stogdon |
