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THE HOTTIE & THE NOTTIE Tom Putnam Starring Paris Hilton Joel Moore Christine Lakin **Warning, this review contains statements which some will consider one-sided, mean and offensive. Having received clearance from the distribution house, Mr. Stogdon retains the right to say whatever he pleases about this despicable waste of celluloid. Oh, and I give away the ending 'cause the whole thing is shit. Consider yourselves warned** I was extremely distressed at my screening when I realised that so many people were laughing. Then I saw they were pointing at the screen and following the laughs with blurts of "This is so fucking stupid!" And this is a British audience we're talking about; reaction-wise the most you usually get is a chuckle or a gasp. The plot (the biggest predictable, stale and clichéd joke of them all) focuses on geek-loser, Nate, played by Joel Moore of Dodgeball fame. Bailing on an unsuccessful life in Maine, he flees back to California to catch up with his primary school crush, Christabelle [Hilton]. According to fat, equally-losery friend, Arno [played by a guy whose official credit is The Greg Wilson - what a prick], Christabelle is still hot (by socially portrayed standards) and popular and surprisingly single. The reason she's still single is played by Christine Lakin, an unattractive lady called June. So, for whatever reason, Chistabelle has vowed not to date unless she can set June up with a date. Nate embarks on a quest to find someone dumb enough to date June and in typical trashy romance style ends up falling for her - but only after she undergoes a mass makeover and some selective surgery. And the moral of the story? If you're ugly, pay to have it sorted out or everyone will hate you! We hate you! I hate you! Look at you! You hideous foul, malodorous runt! Get out of my sight before I'm sick into a barrel of hatred and douse you in it! ...well, that's what this film would have us believe. Paris Hilton was executive producer, so it's no wonder she's in it but everyone else has no excuse! Christine Lakin gives a tolerable performance but in the end, it doesn't matter how good you are, if you're immersed in shit, you're going to smell of it... and this is the kind that never washes off, everyone will remember that you did this awful, awful film, Christine! Especially as your character's defining feature is her 'ugliness' - the kind that goes beyond weight, hygiene, aesthetics and appearances and enters unholy plague levels! For details about the guys in this film, see the highlighted character section below. It's not just the characters, the whole amateur look and feel worked beautifully for Cloverfield but here it just comes off as cheap and shoddy. The jokes themselves are nasty, forced and about as funny as Irreversible. I make a yearly list, of the best and worst releases of the year. This film will certainly be in the latter but more importantly, this film is now on a personal list entitled, "The worst films ever made." Some people ask me when I award a film 10/10 why is it not entered into my Top 50? It's quite simple: some films go above and beyond the ratings system, some films are simply so good that they are thoroughly elite. In the same way, there are some titles which if I could, I would gladly award 0/10, they are few and far between but this is the perfect example. I'm not excessively mean or judgemental, I honestly look for any reason (costumes, set, production, acting, anything!) to give a film the most accurate rating as possible; but some films are just lost causes. Release Date: 28th March 2008 The Scene To Look Out For: I'm not even going to dignify this with an answer. Notable Characters: Strangely enough, as much as I loathe, despise and outright hate everything Paris Hilton is and stands for, she is not the person who annoyed me the most... nor the second. Don't get me wrong, her acting is just as wooden and moronic as ever but I have reserved my hatred for the males of this flick; all of them. Every single 2D, sexist, shallow freak with a Y chromosome pissed me off. The lead was whiney, his friend was obnoxious and the entire supporting cast were simply unbearable and a disgrace to my sex but it's set in LA, so I probably shouldn't have been so surprised. Highlighted Quote: "Life without orgasms is like a world without flowers" In A Few Words: "Quite simply, the worst film I have ever sat through; Hilton must be stopped" Total Score:   1/10Matthew Stogdon |
