| The Red Right Hand
I usually open my period-piece reviews with a note about the accuracies (or more aptly, the inaccuracies) of the film, to give the reader an idea of what to expect. It sets the tone because one the historical anachronisms are dealt with, we can treat the film as a piece solely designed to entertain and please crowds, not historians. This, of course, would be a complete waste of time and could easily fill a small thesis for 10,000 B.C. is about as accurate as The Flintstones. The entire effort is completely laughable and identifying one discernable positive point is a task in of itself.
The plot is a simple adventure quest in which D'Leh [Strait] must cross Africa to rescue his eye-liner wearing girlfriend, Evolet [Belle]. They're not really hitched in any official way to some inter-tribal politics forbidding them and some nonsense about D'Leh's cowardly father. Anyway, D'Leh sets off on a long and extremely tedious journey. Along the way he battles a few dodgy CGI animals - the Sabre-toothed Tiger being the most memorable simply for its complete lack of believability. Almost everything about this film is completely unrealistic; Emmerich started his steady downward slope with the entertaining but thoroughly absurd Independence Day, the hysterically stupid The Day After Tomorrow and now this. Much to my detriment, I have often received criticism for enjoying many Emmerich tales; Universal Soldier, Stargate, Godzilla and The Patriot are prime examples. My response is usually "look, at least he's not as bad as fellow German, Uwe Boll"; thanks to this film I honestly don't think that argument will stand firm anymore.
So amidst the cheap CGI, clichéd scriptwork and piss-poor acting, is there anything commendable? Well, yes, surprisingly there is. The enjoyment factor (especially if you go in a group) is immense! The film has very little to do with this and a certain state of mind (or intoxication) is helpful. In other words, this film is so dire that it becomes entertaining; here's a diagram to explain it. Make sense?
So, if you're a 16-35 year old male or female with a group of friends and nothing to do, visit your cinema, spend seven bob and visit a pub afterward to completely slate the nonsensical tripe that you have just wasted two hours watching! Enjoy, kids.
14th March 2008
The Scene To Look Out For:
Mammoths... built... the pyramids? I just can't stop laughing at the absurdity of that one. There's also a humorous piece of pseudo-racism, whereby D'Leh travels Africa and meets up with the ancestors of every denomination of man of the modern era. Yet despite this, the lighter-skinned guy is the one who is prophesised to lead the darker ones. So freaking stupid.
Omar Sharif lends his vocal talents to the film's horribly written narration. Of all people, surely Sharif should know better!
"A good man draws a circle around himself and cares for those within; his woman, his children. Other men draw a larger circle and bring within their brothers and sisters. But some men have a great destiny; they must draw around themselves a circle that includes many, many more"
In A Few Words:
"I was tempted to give 10,000 B.C. a high rating simply because it was so incredibly awful that it became entertaining to sit through and constantly make fun of; in all seriousness, awarding this film a 2/10 is extremely generous"