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BRATZ Sean McNamara Starring Logan Browning Janel Parrish Nathalia Ramos Skyler Shaye During the launch of the 10-inch plastic Bratz dolls in 2001, I was a young man working my first part-time job, running the DVD section of a local Woolworths. When the range first came in I had long discussions with Mark, the gentleman at the head of the toy department. On questioning what they were, he explained they were the new doll fad, with sights set on replacing the now-dated Barbie franchise. With their orb-like alien heads, gigantic eyes, full lips, stick legs, tiny waists and... complete lack of noses, I felt as if I was turning into a pervert... wait, make that paedophile (these dolls are supposed to represent 12 year olds - at least Barbie was in her late teens). So, without knowing I had succumb to some troubled, deprived and illegal sect of society because MGA Entertainment have started to dress little girls like twenty year olds - bear in mind that at the time I was 17. Years later, around 2005, the Bratz got their own TV series. Now, in 2007, after years of crappy straight-to-video animations, they finally have a live-action film. I must admit I was a little disappointed to discover that the producers had not injected the actresses' heads with an inflammatory and cut off their noses for accuracy... but there's always the sequel. The plot... not sure where to start with this one... how do you explain a one hundred and ten minute GAP commercial? Alright, it's very simple; four girls (the best of friends, of course) are starting their first year in high school. As they are mind-numbed morons who love the idea of experiencing high school, they look forward to it with a sense of glee and excitement. On arrival, they are introduced to the cliques of the school by the student body president, Meredith [Chelsea Staub] (whatever the hell that is - we never had that crap in any of the schools I attended, we had schoolwork, football, rugby and bullying... girls were around but they were more trouble than they were worth; ah, the awkward memories) who attempts to divide the BFF. As the girls claim to be perfectly fine as they are, the psychotic blonde is enraged to discover this ruins her lunch-time seating plans. What ensues is a load of twaddle about the girls finding the cliques appealing and deserting one another and then being tricked into picking on one another before reuniting in the finale in a hail of pomp, song and thong-clad bullshit. Last year I had to watch John Tucker Must Die, I did not enjoy it, I found it limited, repetitive and all-together ridiculous; same should be said for Material Girls. Bratz: The Movie should be better, it has a strong sense of loyalties, teenage tolerance and strife - surely these should be positive points. Unfortunately, all they do is serve for a cheesy underlying tone that made me want to gag. You may think my cynical nature has taken hold and that no twenty three year old man, critic or otherwise would have anything positive to say about this film. Not true at all, I really enjoyed The Sisterhood Of The Travelling Pants, highlighting that it was a "delightful coming of age tale." As stuffy as I can be, I still understand what makes for a good movie. This, ladies and gentlemen, does not fall into that category. The acting is poor, the plot is laughable, the dialogue is absurd, the songs are disposable and the whole effort remains completely forgettable. One of the issues I would really love to get at is one that I point out in every film of this ilk; the actresses. These girls are meant to be 12. 12 years old... do you remember being 12!? Clearly, director Sean McNamara (45 year old Emmy nominee) can't! Everyone was tiny, insignificant and childish. Still shaking off your early childhood phases, most students wouldn't have acted this way. Granted, for me, that was 11 years ago and people are always claiming "things have changed" and "this is how girls are now." For those naive enough to believe that, let me inform you that kids have always broken their boundaries, done things they shouldn't have and rebelled in some way; I agree with that but how many of them were twelve bloody years old!? But I digress, the actresses are as follows: Logan Browning [18 years old], Janel Parrish [19 years old], Nathalia Ramos [15 years old], Skyler Shaye [21 years old] and Chelsea Staub [19 years old]; It's nauseating! I'm not saying I want to see a bunch of children parading around on-screen but informing young girls that they need to be tolerant, value friendships and what's on the inside matters most is a bit pointless considering you've cast hot, busty 19 year olds, who seem to solely value fashion and external beauty. This sort of thing makes my green blood boil; damned empty-headed Paris Hilton wannabe chumpettes. Please, please, please stay away from this film! Just a side note: ask yourself what could be worse than watching Bratz: The Movie... well, how about being a critic, paid to watch the film and asked to stay after the credits to watch the monks' reward video at the end. I have never been so ashamed. In a darkened cinema, all the kids and parents had gone, I sat there in a suit... frowning and in a powerful grump. Release Date: 17th August 2007 The Scene To Look Out For: There was one scene that really caught my attention. The four girls are taking a lunchtime poll in the dinner hall. As they do, one of them spots a lone but intriguing guy in the corner of the room. She walks up and starts flirting with him; he likes her and flirts back. Having been dragged off by the others in the group, two jocks make there way over to the guy in the corner. Sticking their fingers in his food they say, "Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a no fags allowed rule?" Laughing the guy responds, "Well, they seem to have an open-door policy for assholes though, don't they?" Then he takes out a gun and shoots off a few blanks to rattle them. Oh wait... that was Heathers; Bratz has nothing memorable about it. Heathers is a great film, I'm going to go watch that now. There was a talent show with one of the worst songs ever, entitled, 'Bratitude.' I cannot explain how hideously BAD this song was: "We got that Bratitude. Yeah, listen up. They say my Bratitude is just an atitude, gonna take the latitude to say that it's ok." ...WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!? Notable Characters: Jon Voight. That's right, Oscar winning actor, Jon Voight stars in this film... and nothing has made me sadder. On hearing that he was playing the principal I had sort of hoped that he would be Principal Joe Buck but unfortunately not. To be honest, that may have been less scaring for the kids in the audience. Either that or Dylan [Ian Nelson] the deaf kid who can hear Yasmin sing as well as operate turntables... Matt Stogdon: Hmm, deaf guy; doesn't seem to fit with the Bratz' perfect Aryan world. Scriptwriter: Yeah, but maybe skinny hot girls can cure deafness... I read that somewhere. ... Matt Stogdon: When you say 'read that somewhere' did you mean to say 'made that up'? Highlighted Quote: YASMIN: "You don't look deaf" DYLAN: "Yeah, well you don't look ignorant.. but I guess you can't judge a book, right?" In A Few Words: "Behind its positive morals lies a deeply disturbing look at how stupid and vapid the lemmings of modern society are. To quote The Onion, 'This is why terrorists hate us'" Total Score:   1/10Matthew Stogdon |
