The Red Right Hand
  www.theredrighthand.co.uk





I WANT CANDY
They're Making A Movie And It's All Gone Pear-Shaped

Director
Stephen Surjik
Starring
Tom Riley
Tom Burke
Carmen Electra

Film students Joe [Riley] and Baggy [Burke] are in a spot of trouble. They have dreams of grandeur, spurting out names of prestigious directors such as Stephen Spielberg, Martin Scorsese, Ridley Scott, etc - where 'prestigious' read 'famous' - trying to remove themselves from dodgy two minute University art-house flicks and aiming for ninety minute, Oscar winning glory. With no one willing to back their movies, producer, Joe, has the great idea that if he can snag hot-shot pornstar, Candy Fiveways [Electra], he can integrate sex neatly into Baggy's period romance/drama. Joe's over-enthusiasm and lack of experience get the better of him as he thinks he's signed a deal with Candy (when he has in fact purchased a rather expensive, inflatable sex doll) and boasts to shady backer, Doug [Eddie Marsan], that he has her signed and ready to go. When his mistake comes to light, Joe does his best to hide the dodgy deal from both his friends and family. Once the lads discover Candy is in London on a book tour, Baggy finds some inner courage and manages to charm the pants off of Ms. Fiveways, resulting in her agreeing to film the script, on the merit that it is such a 'wonderful piece.' This totals up as an eighty-five minute shoddy take on The Moguls.

This is not a clever film. It's not a funny film, either. It's not even a film that shows off directorial, acting or production grace. It's a botched, low-budget tawdry affair that will only entertain the brain dead and those who liked American Pie 5... or 6... or whatever bloody number we're up to now. The same old gags are played out without mercy or consideration; guy gets locked in bathroom, has to listen to his parents have hours of loud sex; greasing oneself in butter under the premise of sex, only to make a fool of said self in front of the girl that actually matters; fruit used as sexual props, ending with unaware consumption; the last minute switcheroo, leading to a screening of a porno to 50 students and family members, etc. It's all the poor teen-sex gags combined with all the poor amateur filmmaker gags for barely an hour and a half. The script is stupid and immature, as are the cast in their execution of the characters; three skinny Polish geeks, who've never seen a naked girl before; the dim office worker-cum-pornstar; the producer and his bloody stupid relationship with their waitress friend; the mean bastards; the wannabe-cool teacher; the sexually deviant parents; the really really smart pornstar who is in fact a film buff because she (mis)quotes bloody Casablanca -badly- erghh! The whole this is a torrid nightmare! Now, through the course of my film years, I have been asked to review pornography (believe it or not) and I know one off-camera experience that lead to two pornstars quoting Hamlet - it started out fairly typically with 'to be or not to be' but they actually managed to quote, word-for-word, the whole monologue. So, I know that pornstars can be intelligent. Having seen a genuinely intelligent pornstar and then watching Carmen Electra made me realise that is in fact not smart, at all. The warning signs go off pretty early; let's face it, she signed up to make this film!

Any other day I would have written off this film, explaining how stupid and pointless a venture it was to undertake such a project but having seen Orgazmo and The Moguls, I have seen how a story of similar plot can make itself work rather well. Granted, almost no one has seen Orgazmo and almost every critic hated The Moguls but I still maintain that it was entertaining enough without sinking to the cliched levels of this disaster. One thing I would like to bring your attention to is the actual aim of this film, I don't understand who their target audience is going to be. They're clearly aiming at film buffs but real buffs won't touch this drivel. They're aiming at adults because it's supposed to be raunchy yet intelligent and fails on both accounts. They're also aiming at kids because they cut back on nudity (to the extent that there is none) and favour tired innuendo. When it comes down to it, this is a nasty little film with nothing to offer anyone who has any idea of how a film should go; shame on you, Ealing Studios.

Release Date:
23rd March 2007

The Scene To Look Out For:
I didn't laugh, not once. How am I supposed to pick a scene out of all that nonsense? Alright, I'll try. What about when the stud-bloke is about to shoot his first sex scene and prematurely ejaculates over Candy, over the bed and directly into one of the Polish guy's faces. Do you know why I'm highlighting this scene? Probably because, of all the sexual innuendo, this is the only realised smut and to make a point of it, the camera follows the kids' agonising cries and fall all the way to the ground, for a solid two or three minutes. It was just unbearably unfunny, made worse because you were praying for them to cut away!

Notable Characters:
Lila (played by Eastenders actress Michelle Ryan) was really bloody awful. Her deliveries were flat and unoriginal, her interest in the lead was inexplicable to the point of stupid and her element to the script was pointless. I think one of my favourite moments was when she said, "London is a twenty minute drive away, full of companies, desperate for good ideas!" Anyone who's driven from the boroughs to Central London will know two things: firstly, it's hardly twenty minutes, you'd be lucky to get down Tottenham Court Road in twenty minutes and secondly, there's nowhere to bloody park! She just really annoyed me.

Highlighted Quote:
"She's got three cocks... Golden Cockerels! They're the highest award in the porno business!"

In A Few Words:
"Painfully unfunny and an embarrassment to amateur filmmakers across the country"

Total Score:
1/10


Matthew Stogdon